tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-68084493373434996962024-02-06T21:58:17.584-08:00Another mom another blog.Lauren @ Another mom another blog.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16654266835585358830noreply@blogger.comBlogger300125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6808449337343499696.post-47719236469863139862015-04-18T14:36:00.001-07:002015-04-18T14:36:26.961-07:004.5 Months<div style="text-align: justify;">
Wow it has been a long time since I last updated! I definitely owe you guys a health update and I'm pleased to say that I can finally give you a positive one (physically at least)!</div>
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It's been about 4.5 months since my surgery and I have finally healed to the point where I'm seeing improvement. I can now eat just about anything (including salad!) except for bread, and when I have been bad and tried to eat something bread-y I've only choked a little bit. I still miss bread (and regular crust pizza, doughnuts, hamburger buns, etc.) dearly but it's probably not a bad thing I've eliminated it from my diet. I'm getting plenty of carbs from other places.</div>
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My weight loss has officially stalled out at 25-30lbs even though I'm eating almost regularly now, but I have a lot of muscle mass to regain. I biked around my moms neighborhood last week and it was exhausting. It also made my stomach wrap feel funny which is a big indicator that I need to take things SLOW. Not that I'd have taken them any other way, haha. I still spend most of my time in bed, but these days I'm more exhausted from anxiety and depression than from not eating.</div>
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As I told you a few posts ago I was priced out from the anti-depressant I had been on for a year. I went to my psychiatrist and he had me try a relatively new drug, and the result has been... well, I'm undecided right now. I haven't noticed any negative side effects from it which is AWESOME, but I'm not sure how much it's helping me. I definitely feel less hopelessly depressed than I did before I got on it, but my anxiety has been out. of. control. I usually have a few panic attacks a day, but lately it's like I've been living in one giant panic attack.</div>
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I wish I could describe what this feels like, but it's really difficult to put into words. Basically, my heart feels like it's going to explode. Like there's a vice grip around it and it's trying to beat its way out of my chest. These palpitations get especially bad at night and I've been taking blood pressure medication to help calm my heart enough to let me fall asleep. It's actually been working pretty well, but during the day the lingering effect makes me incredibly dizzy. I have a pretty intense head rush almost every time I stand up, and I wouldn't be surprised if I end up fainting sooner or later. I'm pretty sure it's also contributing to my relentless exhaustion, but I'd rather take blood pressure medication than Xanax (and my doctor agrees!)</div>
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Doing normal, everyday things like taking R to preschool leaves me completely wiped out. This means I'm getting literally nothing else done, and my house has gone to hell in a handbasket. You can be that the guilt I talked about in my last post is going as strong as ever. It's a vicious cycle.</div>
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I also thought I'd mention that R has been struggling with anxiety lately as well. She's started to cry again when I drop her off at preschool (despite the fact that she absolutely loves it and doesn't even want to stay home when she's sick) and she's also had some public meltdowns in addition to screaming at pretty much everyone who acknowledges her- including her friends! The last straw for me was last weekend when we went to a friends birthday party (a girl she's known since birth and talks about all the time) and she had a massive meltdown. I ended up taking her home after 10 minutes and I felt awful. We both felt awful.</div>
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I decided that since R's anxiety is interfering with things she'd otherwise enjoy it's time to seek help outside the house. I'm not looking for a diagnosis, nor do I think she struggles with the same things that I do, but we both need to learn some coping mechanisms from a professional. Our first appointment is in the beginning of May and I'm honestly looking forward to it. I often think of what my life had been like if I'd had help with my issues as a child, and I think this will only be beneficial for both R and me.</div>
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Otherwise she's been doing wonderfully and her incredibly vibrant personality just lights up my life. She's been really into fishing with N lately and I just love her enthusiasm- even if I want nothing to do with fish myself. She's also been more into cars than ever and is looking forward to car show season. She asks us almost every day to take her to a car show, it's so funny! She's my greatest challenge but I'm so happy to be her mom.</div>
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Lauren @ Another mom another blog.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16654266835585358830noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6808449337343499696.post-32788113496308669752015-02-01T20:04:00.002-08:002015-02-01T20:04:29.038-08:00Chronic Guilt<div style="text-align: justify;">
I wouldn't say I've been handling being sick well. I certainly wouldn't call myself strong. I spend a lot of time crying and feeling bad for myself, but even more so I feel bad for my family.</div>
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Growing up my parents were very into "pulling yourself up by the bootstraps." No effort I could show was good enough for them. I put all my energy into 1) staying alive and 2) going to school and getting good grades. When I was too exhausted to clean my room, or go outside, or function in just about any other way, they would be mad at me. Part of me understands where they were coming from. They don't know how emotionally and physically exhausting it is to fight bipolar disorder. They couldn't see that I had autoimmune hypothyroidism, or that my digestive system was starting to fail. My disabilities were all on the inside, and therefore they didn't view them as real.</div>
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My parents, like most other people in the world, are able to wake up with a full tank of gas. Mine never registers past a quarter tank. I can say this with certainty having lived through phases (sadly short lived) where I've had normal-person energy. These days my tank feels even emptier. I continue to struggle with my mental health, and my physical health is worse than ever. Add in taking care of a highly, <b>highly</b> energetic three year old and I'm running on fumes constantly. I feel like there's nothing inside of me.</div>
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And yet I have never been able to shake the guilt that my parents instilled in me that I can always do better than my best. Despite the fact that I know it's literally impossible, it's still a huge source of guilt and grief for me. Why can't I just suck it up and get shit done anyway? My mom raised three kids and always kept a clean house and cooked dinner every night. She even worked a little bit! Why can't I do the same thing- especially since I have a strong desire to do so.</div>
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I don't like living like this. I don't like feeling sick and tired all the time. I don't like living in a dirty house, or not being able to cook for my husband who works all day. I don't like crying myself to sleep every night.</div>
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So what do I do? I do what I can. I take medications every day that help me in one way and hurt me in two. I spend more time with doctors than I do with my friends in order to figure out what's wrong and how, and if, it can be fixed. I go through scary, invasive surgeries that don't come with any positive guarantees. I wake up with R and I feed her and make sure she's happy and going to the places where she needs to go. Even when I'd rather be in bed or next to a toilet- which is all the time.</div>
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Is this good enough for me? Of course not. I absolutely believe that my family would be better off without me. N deserves a better wife and R deserves a better mother. I want to be those people but some days (ok, most days) I don't feel like I'll ever be able to be. I exist in a spiral of shame and sickness that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to pull out of.</div>
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Sometimes R sees me when I'm crying. I don't like to show pain or sadness in front of her, but sometimes it's unavoidable. She's a very empathetic child and she'll hug me and wipe away my tears. She'll tell me that everything is going to be ok, even when I feel like it's not. But this is why I keep going. Because I have her. And I have N. And I have the rest of my family, and some amazingly supportive friends. Making the choice to go on isn't always easy, but I know it's the only choice I have.</div>
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To quote one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movies:</div>
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"I know it hurts. That's life. If nothing else, it's life. It's real and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have."</blockquote>
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<br />And right now, this is what I have.</div>
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Lauren @ Another mom another blog.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16654266835585358830noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6808449337343499696.post-6118045063954791392015-02-01T18:14:00.001-08:002015-02-01T18:14:41.017-08:00Eight Weeks Out<div style="text-align: justify;">
I've been trying to write out this post for a few days now without sounding like a total downer and I'm having a hard time. Things aren't good, and I don't like always having to talk about how things aren't good. I'm exhausted enough living it.</div>
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When I was struggling before my diagnosis, after my diagnosis, and after I was told what surgeries would be best for me, I took to the internet to try and find other personal stories. There was very little out there, and I clung to anything I could find. There was only so much solace I could take in the percentages my doctor gave me; I wanted to hear real stories told by real people.</div>
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And that's why I keep blogging. I may only hold the tiniest corner of the blogosphere, but if someone out there is asking the same questions that I asked then I hope they can find me, and I hope my stories will be helpful to them.That's why I keep writing about my health. It'd be a lot more pleasant to pretend everything was wonderful and that I had a functional body, but that's just not the case.</div>
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The good news, and the only good news, is that my ability to swallow has continued to progress and I am hardly refluxing anymore. I can eat almost all soft foods along with rice, crackers, chips, and even small pieces of meat. I've come a long way with chicken. I'm still struggling with cold liquids, anything leafy, skins, and other small and hard objects. Oh, and my bowel medication has been working. I still don't feel as good as I would if my lower GI system worked, but the improvement has been more than I could ask for (even if it's expensive as hell.)</div>
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As for the bad news, my digestion still hasn't improved, and the gagging up mucous issue has only gotten worse. I caught a cold last week which has made things much worse, and let me just say that gagging up a handful of mucous in front of all the other moms at dance class is an experience I'd not like to recreate. I was able to get an appointment and talk to my my doctor about these issues, but he said I need to give my body at
least 9 months to heal and reach a new baseline. Only after that can we re-evaluate. This was pretty disheartening to hear, but at the same
time I'm almost at the end of my options. The only other treatment we
could consider is a partial gastrectomy (removal of the stomach) and if
it comes down to that I'm going to have a lot more thinking to do.</div>
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On top of my GI issues, my insurance company has decided to charge us $850 a month for my anti-depressant. Obviously we can't come anywhere close to affording that, and the generic version of this drug is well known for causing issues- and I refuse to take generic psychiatric medication anyway. The only option I have is to wean off of it, and seeing as how I'm already struggling immensely with depression right now, this is going to be a big hit to my health. This was an end of the road medication for me, and right now there aren't any other drugs or classes of drugs that would be right for me to try. I know I should get into my psychiatrist to talk about this, but it's another $150 we can't afford to spend right now.</div>
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With all these bills I've had to stop physical therapy, and my headaches have been out of control. They can become completely debilitating, and on top of all the other horrible sensations my body is producing, I just can't deal with them. My last round of Botox seems to have helped a little, and if money permitted I'd have it done again. Of course, money does not permit. The other night I spent an hour in the bathroom just banging my head against a wall, trying to relax my skull muscles. It was very painful, but actually helped a little bit.</div>
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But the icing on top of this shit cake is a nice little side effect of my bowel issues that has caused me to see a colorectal doctor, and schedule a fun procedure I won't tell you about because well, you really don't want to know.</div>
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When it rains it pours, and I'm ready for the sun.</div>
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Lauren @ Another mom another blog.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16654266835585358830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6808449337343499696.post-1001167096334397082015-01-11T14:02:00.002-08:002015-01-11T14:02:34.791-08:00So It Goes<div style="text-align: justify;">
It's been another two weeks and it's possible (*knock on wood*, *throw salt*, *chant prayer*) that I'm finally on an upswing.</div>
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To go back a little, my barium swallow ended up going well. I had forgotten that the disgusting liquid I had to take following both of my surgeries was not actually barium, but some other horrible liquid they make you drink to test for leaks. Barium is much thicker- it's like a chalk flavored milkshake. It is gross, but nowhere near as bad as the other stuff. During the procedure the radiologist said that my wrap looked very tight, but that's probably because the wrap was still so new and my swelling had peaked. My doctor had wanted to make sure it wasn't loose.</div>
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Unfortunately about six hours after my swallow (and when it was time for me to go to physical therapy) I started to get horrible stomach cramps and I was in a lot of pain during PT and for the next few hours. I looked online and saw that drinking barium can cause those cramps, so I'm not anxious to do any more swallows any time soon.</div>
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Since that time my swelling has continued to go down. I'm still having a problem with very cold liquids and mucous, but I've been able to eat more and more solid food. The biggest problem I've been having is with vegetable skin, or other tiny chunks that don't dissolve in your mouth (like the seeds in tomato soup.) I still haven't (and won't) attempt bread or anything that gets gummy when you chew it, or meat. I've tried tiny pieces of chicken in chicken soups and the result is never good. But the best news? The other night I ate a whole roll of cucumber sushi! It was the best thing I've ever eaten. I'm craving solid food less and no longer burst into tears during fast food commercials. It's made me feel a lot better emotionally, but I'm still struggling with food in the way I struggled before my surgery.</div>
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The bad news is that I don't think my Gastroparesis has gotten any better. Now that I'm eating more solid food I'm getting very nauseous again after eating, and although I can't taste my food for hours and hours anymore (the best result of my surgery so far) I can definitely feel it. A few times I've gotten more nauseous after eating than I ever did before my surgery. I haven't been able to get into my post-op appointment but I e-mailed my doctor's PA and she said this is normal. She said that GP can get worse before it gets better after these surgeries and to make sure I'm eating small amounts all throughout the day. As it is I'm having one small-medium sized meal once a day and that's all that's going to happen for awhile. There's too much to do during the day to eat and then deal with the nausea that follows.</div>
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To put this as delicately as possible, by lower GI system has also stopped working again and that has been a real pain in the ass (LITERALLY) to deal with. My doctor prescribed me a new medication that will hopefully help. But it's $200 a month (thankfully my mom picked up my first bottle for me) and I'm still worried about things down there. Nothing is going to be easy, that's for sure! But that's life right?</div>
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Lauren @ Another mom another blog.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16654266835585358830noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6808449337343499696.post-13635454156856873242014-12-28T20:50:00.003-08:002014-12-28T20:50:24.767-08:0026 Days Later<div style="text-align: justify;">
My barium swallow is tomorrow at 7:30am. As a person who is regularly unable to fall asleep before 5am this is going to be really interesting.</div>
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Since I last wrote my recovery has been progressing slowly but surely. I'm no longer experiencing dumping symptoms, but food is also no longer traveling through my digestive system without help. I'm still nauseous all the time. This is the way things were pre-surgery so I'm hoping that they don't stay like this. If they do... I don't know. I suppose I'll be able to call these operations total failures. I don't want to, but I don't like what my body is telling me.</div>
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Things have been hard. Hard is an understatement.</div>
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For the greater part of every day I find myself wondering if it'd be possible to pinch myself and wake up from this nightmare. I don't even try to lie to people who ask me how I'm doing. I'm doing terrible, thanks for asking.</div>
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I thought that time- and the ability to eat a wider range of liquids- would abate my cravings for solid food, but that hasn't been the case. I think about eating all the time. I dream about it. I would do terrible things for the ability to eat a sandwich right now. All I want in life is a sandwich. After all of this is over I don't think I'll ever eat soup again.</div>
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I have been tolerating slightly chunkier soups. Other forays into soft foods- such as thin cheese slices and pasta- have not been as successful. I've also been having issues with cold drinks, which is is common, but difficult because drinking anything that isn't ice cold makes me nauseous. This means I also haven't been drinking enough, and my poor body is having a really hard time keeping up.</div>
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Have you ever almost passed out inside a Target during a pre-Christmas rush? It's not a pleasant feeling. Similarly, I almost fell over dead at my grandparent's house on Christmas because I had done too much on too little during the day.</div>
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My weight loss has continued and I'm officially at 17lbs, though I believe some of that may be my usual pre-period bloat. Interestingly, my period is exactly a week late today but there is no chance that I'm pregnant. I think that's really saying something about how damn undernourished I am right now.</div>
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In other news my stimulator has been turned off since before surgery, so when I can finally get in to get it turned back on I'll be able to easily see if it's really helping me or not. Wouldn't it just be a kicker if it too wasn't helping me at all? What a year!</div>
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But to end on a happier note; we had a wonderful holiday, N continues to be my rock, and R the light of my life.</div>
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Lauren @ Another mom another blog.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16654266835585358830noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6808449337343499696.post-44514389000047528562014-12-13T16:19:00.002-08:002014-12-13T16:19:27.403-08:00Recovery<div style="text-align: justify;">
After a week of low-calorie clear liquids, the first thing I wanted to do when I got home from the hospital was have a giant bowl of creamy soup and a milkshake. Unfortunately this plan did not work out very well. I'm not sure if it's dairy, sugar, or just the fact that I'm putting anything in my GI system, but eating or drinking anything (except for water and green tea) almost immediately makes me feel awful. It's possible that I have in fact developed dumping syndrome, but my digestive system is still healing so a lot of wacky things might be happening now that might now happen in the future. I refuse to have any hope though.</div>
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I'm so burned out on broth and jello that I've been mostly drinking smoothies lately- with varying success. My food intake has been averaging one smoothie a day plus water (plus iced tea when someone brings me it) and therefore I have very little energy/ motivation/ will to live. I need to pick up some instant breakfast shakes (I refuse to ever have Atkins, Ensure, or Boost ever again) and see if I can get some calories that way. I've lost 10lbs since surgery and trust me, this is the worst diet ever. I would gain many, many pounds in exchange for a normal digestive system.</div>
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I'm not sure if the fact that I <i>literally</i> can't eat real food makes things psychologically harder or easier than when I was on the pre-op diet. I'm actually leaning towards harder because I know that no matter how hungry I get, there are very few things I can actually ingest. A few nights ago I got desperate and ate a chip. I made sure to ground it into mush in my mouth before swallowing it, thinking that was good enough and IT WAS THE WORST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE. (Only slight hyperbole.)</div>
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I believe that the chip mush got stuck in my wrap (the bottom part of my esophagus that they wrapped my stomach around) and the pain was horrifying. I actually considered going to the hospital. The best way to describe it is someone wildly stabbing you in the stomach over and over, in really intense waves. What my body really wanted to do was vomit the chip mush back up, but because this surgery has made my body unable to vomit all I could do was gag and dry heave all the while my mouth was watering profusely. I had done a stupid, bad thing and I paid for it dearly. I do not want to make that mistake every again.</div>
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Unfortunately I think the chip incident has damaged my wrap a little, and set my healing process behind. I've had reflux the past two nights which has been really concerning. And then last night I tried to eat very mushy (and very thoroughly chewed) scrambled eggs and I was hit with the same stabbing pains. Luckily I didn't start gagging and heaving again. The eggs tasted so good but I just couldn't get them down. I gave the plate back to N crying. I've been doing a lot of crying lately.</div>
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I've been asking myself again and again if it's been worth it. I got these surgeries in order to be able to eat without nausea, bloating, and constipation. But right now I can't eat at all without some nausea, a lot of pain, and the opposite of bowel issues. The difference now is that I physically can't eat things that make me suffer (to an extent, i.e. chipgate 2014)- something that I used to do every day.</div>
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I have a long, long couple of months ahead of me and if I don't stab anybody at the various Christmas dinners we attend it's really going to be a Christmas miracle. Be thankful if your body has the ability to eat, digest, and expel food properly. I wasn't. And you never know what you have until it's gone.</div>
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<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNBvzAATgKyEIYlDcrDSBdulYi-VmpZQfYnuVDszbzkxnmWqC_x48gRI56mVm1sXZwHbZxZgd4tQfLf0vFPfnQitaiBvuE9S5WMucQ_vKaJhy0XuzvmyNJorGjsXDB2oRrAHX0C4in74xl/s1600/sig2.png" /> </div>
Lauren @ Another mom another blog.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16654266835585358830noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6808449337343499696.post-47675848637961848682014-12-13T15:55:00.002-08:002014-12-13T15:55:23.631-08:00Operation Week<div style="text-align: justify;">
From Friday the 28th to Wednesday the 3rd I consumed a TOTAL of less than 1,600 calories (I was keeping track with My Fitness Pal.) Obviously this meant I had no energy and felt constantly as if I was about to fall over dead. I was dragging prettyyy hard by Wednesday and just barely got R to preschool and then myself to a pre-op appointment where my doctor turned off my stimulator for surgery.</div>
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Thursday the 4th was my surgery. I wasn't allowed to eat anything after midnight but I wasn't really hungry because I was running on adrenaline. I checked into the hospital at 11am and my surgery was at 1pm. I believe I got into recovery around 4, but everything post-surgery was kind of a blur. I woke up in a lot of pain and had a little bit of nausea which worried me because this surgery means I can't throw up, and I'd have been in a whole mess of trouble if my body had tried. I wanted to avoid the recovery nurses having to give me painkillers, but about half an hour into waking up I was involuntarily moaning in pain so they blessedly gave me a couple doses of fentanyl (great stuff) while they waited for a room to open up.</div>
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When I got up to my post-op room N was there (bless him) and I was in a lot of pain again so the nurses started giving me dilaudid (not as great) and IV phenegran (painful but knocked me out.) I was scheduled for a barium swallow in the morning to make sure my pylorus incision wasn't leaking, so they wouldn't let me have anything other than ice chips. I wasn't that hungry anyway, but I felt like I was dying of thirst. They almost took my ice chips away and I was like, over my dead body. I slept for the majority of that evening/ night and into the morning.</div>
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On Friday morning they still would only let me have ice chips (so it had been a full week since I had really eaten) and my barium swallow kept getting pushed back. The nurses wanted me to start walking the halls to ease my shoulder pain from the gas they use in laparoscopic surgery, but I was running on literally, LITERALLY nothing so there was no way that was going to happen.</div>
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They finally wheeled me down to the x-ray room around 1, and I had to wait outside for another hour because the woman who had gone before me threw up everywhere. Yeah, barium tastes like urine flavored car fluid. It is AWFUL. But this time I didn't ugly cry and managed to get through the whole test. The test came back showing a significant motility delay (duh) but it showed that my pylorplasty wasn't leaking which meant I had the ok to go home. Unfortunately my oxygen kept dipping and I was in a metric fuckton of pain, so I decided to stay one more night.</div>
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On Saturday morning- despite not getting up to walk once- I managed to get out of the hospital which was a blessing and a curse. I missed my own bed and no longer wanted a giant needled shoved in my arm (and a giant drainage tube stuck in my side- that was interesting) but I was going to miss IV pain meds and friendly nurses. Seriously, bless nurses. All of them. What a job. I love you.</div>
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I laid in bed for the rest of the weekend, and tried not to take many painkillers. My shoulders were killing me, and my abdomen was very sore. As the week has gone by I've been moving around more and more, and I feel like my body- aside from my digestive track- has healed from the surgery. Externally it wasn't as difficult a surgery as my last one, but internally it was much more complicated and thus my recovery has been a lot more complicated. More on that in the next post!<br />
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<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNBvzAATgKyEIYlDcrDSBdulYi-VmpZQfYnuVDszbzkxnmWqC_x48gRI56mVm1sXZwHbZxZgd4tQfLf0vFPfnQitaiBvuE9S5WMucQ_vKaJhy0XuzvmyNJorGjsXDB2oRrAHX0C4in74xl/s1600/sig2.png" /> </div>
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Lauren @ Another mom another blog.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16654266835585358830noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6808449337343499696.post-5918599345561101012014-11-28T23:10:00.000-08:002014-11-28T23:10:54.567-08:00So it begins...<div style="text-align: justify;">
Today is the first day of my low-calorie, clear-liquid diet. My doctor wants me to be on it for 7 days before my surgery because it will shrink my liver. This is important because they will be lifting my liver during surgery, and if it's too big/ heavy it will be more difficult to move. Not all doctors require their patients to do a pre-op diet for this surgery, and I'm willing to be my liver is ok the way it is, but I'm not going to go against my doctor's orders. Ok, I did cheat once today but that's only because I wanted one *last* latte and I couldn't get one yesterday. It may be my last one for a long time (possibly ever?) because I've heard that caffeine can irritate your "wrap" (in this surgery they wrap your stomach around your esophagus.)</div>
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Here is what my official diet handout says (things I can't/ don't eat are crossed out):</div>
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<i>Consume these items in moderation. They contain large amounts of sugar.</i></div>
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- 2 cups or less per day:</div>
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* Gatorade, Powerade, juice (<strike>orange</strike>, apple, <strike>grapefruit</strike>)</div>
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- 3 or less per day:</div>
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* Regular popscicles, Jell-O, <strike>sugar-free fudgsicles</strike></div>
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- 3 or less per day (any combination):</div>
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* <strike>1 cup of lowfat milk (skim, 1%, 2%, or lactaid)</strike></div>
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* <strike>8oz light yogurt</strike></div>
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* <strike>1/2 cup cottage cheese</strike></div>
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- 1-2 per day:</div>
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* Atkins shakes</div>
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* Carb Solutions shakes</div>
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* <b>DO NOT consume SlimFast, Ensure, or Boost (these will be allowed on your post-op diet)</b></div>
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<i>Consume these sugar-free items in any quantity:</i></div>
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- Sugar-free drinks like <strike>Crystal Light, sugar-free Kool Aid, diet soda</strike>, diet tea, <strike>black coffee</strike>, water</div>
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- Broth from soups (any flavor, no chunks)</div>
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- <strike>Sugar-free Jell-O</strike></div>
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- <strike>Sugar-free popscicles</strike></div>
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*</div>
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Now I suppose is a good time to tell you that I react very, very poorly to any kind of artificial sweetener so all that "sugar-free" stuff is a no-go. I gave an Atkins shake the ol' college try today and not only did it taste like milk flavored water (it was "french vanilla" "flavored") it made me feel even sicker than I was already feeling.</div>
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Right now it's only been 24 hours on this diet (and I even cheated with a latte) and I already feel like I'm going to fall over dead. Tomorrow I'm going to attempt to make some bone broth and pick up a bottle of liquid vitamins. If I can manage to drive a car that is.</div>
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I wouldn't mind fast-forwarding to the end of the year right now.</div>
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Oh, and R did this the other night:</div>
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It's not like it's taken her <i>her whole entire life</i> to grow her bangs past her chin when the rest of her hair is halfway down her back. After living with bangs for the first 12 years of my life, I made a solemn vow when I found out I was having a girl that I would never give her bangs. Funny how the universe works sometimes.<br />
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<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNBvzAATgKyEIYlDcrDSBdulYi-VmpZQfYnuVDszbzkxnmWqC_x48gRI56mVm1sXZwHbZxZgd4tQfLf0vFPfnQitaiBvuE9S5WMucQ_vKaJhy0XuzvmyNJorGjsXDB2oRrAHX0C4in74xl/s1600/sig2.png" /> </div>
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Lauren @ Another mom another blog.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16654266835585358830noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6808449337343499696.post-83917370176672154702014-11-18T20:46:00.000-08:002014-11-18T20:46:26.814-08:00Living with PTSD. A guest feature.<div style="text-align: justify;">
The following is Courtney's experience living with PTSD after witnessing the aftermath of <a href="http://anothermomanotherblog13.blogspot.com/2014/11/when-everything-changes-in-instant.html">her daughter being attacked by a dog</a>. </div>
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I was told my PTSD was temporary, that as time went on and the scars began to heal, I would heal as well. I was told I would get better and that my intrusive thoughts would happen less and less. I was told that my mind would essentially forget most of the traumatic events that occurred that day. I was told I would be ok.<br /><br />I may not be the poster child for PTSD and for a lot of people, they probably wouldn't even think I have it all. That's the hard part of this disorder, there is no straight definition, no blanket diagnoses. The severity of it is as different for each of us as the traumatic event that brought it on in the first place. Some people can see the most horrible thing and walk away untouched, never to think of it again. And then there is me... I think of my event every single day. It pops into my head at the most absurd times, it stifles my thoughts, it paralyzes my body, and then just as quickly as it enters my memory, it's gone. This happens over and over all day long, from the moment I open my eyes to the moment I close them. I have not gone one day since "the accident" that I haven't thought about what happened that day. It's still raw for me, 9 months later. I can still hear every word that was said, I can still see every drop of blood, I can still see every ghost white face and eyes filled with panic and disbelief. I can even smell the air I was breathing in that night. It is as vivid now as it was in the moments it was happening.<br /><br />"The accident" is what my family calls the brutal attack, as to not further traumatize my daughter who has also been diagnosed as having PTSD, a severe anxiety disorder, and recently a seizure that could possibly be linked to her PTSD. Taylor, my daughter, is the strongest child I have ever met. She has handled her "accident" better than I ever imagined any 7, and now 8 year old, could. She's my Hero and I'm so thankful for her life every day. <br /><br />While Taylor's PTSD is mostly suppressed from her memory, she still has debilitating anxiety and panic attacks causing her to become physically ill and most recently passing out and having seizures. She suffered from severe shock the night of her accident and because her brain chooses to block that memory, she could be doing anything, even something she thinks is fun, and her brain will go into survival mode and shut down. Her disorder is scary and keeps me on my toes day and night. I'm constantly making sure she is ok and trying to protect her as much as I can. Taylor's disorder is very different from mine even though both our disorders stem from the same traumatic event.</div>
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<br />My PTSD fills me with rage and so much pain for my daughter, that I can't handle life happening around me. I have to shut everything out and sit in the dark until I can breathe again. My flashbacks are quick and to the point. They're intrusive and hurt my heart more than any memory I've ever had, but they last only a few seconds and then they're gone. It is the conversations or hearing other people talk about Taylor's attack that cause my mentally violent rage. I become someone I don't recognize. I scream and cuss at people I don't know because I am filled with more emotions then I can handle. I've struggled for as long as I can remember with anxiety and panic attacks but, what comes with having PTSD turns me into someone I don't know.</div>
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As soon as anyone starts talking about Taylor's attack I can feel my body getting hot, I start to see spots, and I feel like I have a thousand bricks on my chest. My mind instantly shoots back to the night of the attack and then there I am holding my daughter covered in blood. I can't understand the words coming out of her mouth and I can feel the fear I had in that moment, that my beautiful, smart, perfect daughter had brain damage and had lost her right eye, that she would never be same. My mind is completely consumed with the vivid memories of that night, while my mouth is having a conversation with someone who has no idea what I'm actually thinking about. Sometimes I have to walk away when someone asks about her "accident". Other times I am able to overcome the flashbacks and continue to have a calm conversation about Taylor. But then there are the times where I don't even remember the things I'm saying because I become so enraged I lose control over my thoughts and words. The bad days are becoming fewer and far between, but they still happen and they still leave me feeling guilty for losing control of my feelings. I'm working on getting professional help because obviously my PTSD has not gone away like I was told it would. I'm ok with knowing I could have this disorder for rest of my life, but what I'm not ok with is my kids seeing me angry and hateful. I don't want Taylor to grow up hating the people who did this to her, and I don't want her little sister or brother to grow up to be hateful or spiteful either.<br /><br />Writing this piece was my first step to reaching out for help. I saw a therapist a couple days after we learned Taylor was in fact attacked by the dog down the street. Deep down I knew all along that was what had happened, but when the police told me it was an accident and she fell, part of wanted to believe them. I wanted to believe that it was that simple, that she just got knocked over, and cut her head open. It hit me like a wrecking ball to know my fears were true, that she had been attacked, and it hit even harder to know that the owners of the dog refuse to admit what their dog did. It has been a legal nightmare from the moment we found out what truly happened that night. Some days I'm ok and my PTSD is manageable, I don't let it seep into me and ruin my progress. Other days are a lot more than I can handle and I have a hard time being around people. I am learning to balance my emotions and take every day as it comes. One step, one day at a time. I'm hopeful that with some help and understanding I will have more good days than bad. I am hopeful that I will be able to handle my PTSD, so I can better focus on helping Taylor with her PTSD. Taylor has spent a lot of time in sandbox therapy and animal therapy. She is doing amazing and she is a true inspiration.</div>
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Lauren @ Another mom another blog.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16654266835585358830noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6808449337343499696.post-16121195443887432152014-11-18T20:35:00.001-08:002014-11-18T20:35:44.738-08:00When everything changes in an instant. A guest feature.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
For me, the most valuable part of blogging has come from the ability to share personal experiences and stories with a wide audience. Being able to write candidly about issues I have faced and continue to face has brought a great deal of relief and comfort into my life. It has also given me invaluable connections to people who would not have found their way into my life otherwise.</div>
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Although we live in the highly-connected internet age, there are still many topics that remain taboo. We put so much of ourselves online and yet there are still things that we find are too difficult to share. But oftentimes it's these difficult stories that ought to be shared the most. They can help you to heal, and others to learn.</div>
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The following is the harrowing experience of my dear friend Courtney in regards to the devastating dog attack that her daughter Taylor suffered earlier this year. Both Courtney and her daughter were diagnosed with PTSD after the attack, and both are still coping with it every day. Here are the details of the day that they will never forget...</div>
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WARNING: Very graphic images behind the cut.</div>
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<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9FWoUM_B80Ve6QDJC5LKbz5EuVaAaOvNhAv3Z-a2XxvP6HMiuIXbdsBd5-1AAuBGFAQRAj76XfyoYZSwY5rGKhLtkYccLwnl5DB3Hqgyhz9IyhHbu24kB44IiG0-wVh2WbqL4Wo9ls_jl/s1600/IMG_0023.JPG" height="400" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="300" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Taylor and Courtney a few months before the attack.</td></tr>
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It seemed like such a typical
day. Nothing stood out as out of the ordinary. Nothing made me think I
should remember the way she smiled at me before she went out front to
play with her friend. Nothing made me think to memorize her face, her
wispy baby hairs that just barely covered her forehead, her soft
beautiful untouched skin. I didn't think to take just one more moment
to breathe in her sweet, unharmed, childish innocence. I didn't think
to give her one more kiss and tell her one more time how much I love
her. She just wanted to play outside with her friend. It was supposed
to be a typical day.</div>
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My
husband was serving in the Air Force and we lived in a small town about
10 minutes outside of the base my husband was stationed at. Our entire
neighborhood was inhabited by military families. Our house was
situated in the middle of a cul-de-sac and my daughters best friend just
happened to live right across the street. Taylor, my 7 year old at the
time, loved playing outside with her friend and enjoyed playing with
the other neighbor kids on our street. Most of the families on our
street had dogs and Taylor was familiar with all of them. We even have a
large dog, a newfoundland labrador mix that we adopted when my husband
was in Afghanistan. Taylor knew how to behave around all animals,
especially large breeds. She was gentle and loved our dog and the
neighbors dogs as well. At the time I had no idea that the great dane
down the street had lunged and barely missed biting one of the neighbor
boys just a couple months prior. Had I known that this dog was
aggressive, or even *could* be aggressive, I would have told Taylor to
stay away. I would have told her to be extra cautious and to just leave
that dog alone.</div>
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It
was unusually warm that day and Taylor was itching to play out front
with her friend. As soon as the neighbors car pulled into their
driveway she ran out the door as I quickly reminded her of the rules.
She was a pro at following the rules and I trusted that with the
neighbors watchful eyes, she would be ok to play in the yard while I
stayed inside to tend to her baby brother. I could see her and her
friend through our giant front window as they giggled and played games
in the yard. My 6 month old son was getting sleepy and ready for an
evening nap, so I sat down on the couch to nurse him and read a little.
As I nursed my son I could still see Taylor and her friend running
around. It wasn't unusual for Taylor to occasionally slip out of my
view for a few minutes. The house was quiet and it seemed like I hadn't
seen Taylor come back into my view for a little while. That was the
moment I remember thinking something wasn't right.</div>
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I
felt a little uneasy not being able to see Taylor. I slowly sat
forward to give myself a new angle to see the other side of the yard
through the window. It was in that exact moment I heard my neighbor
screaming for me to come quick. As I ran to the front door my neighbor
was opening it and telling me Taylor had been bitten by Dexter (the
other neighbors grate dane I talked about earlier). I remember my
neighbor grabbing my son from my arms as I raced to put my boots on. I
remember thinking to myself, "please God let it be her arm, her hand,
her leg, anything BUT her face or worse her throat." It's amazing how
just a few seconds can seem like hours and you have all the time in the
world to think the most absurd thoughts. I also thought in those few
seconds while I pleaded with God, that maybe she didn't get bit at all. Maybe my neighbor was frightened and over reacted. Maybe she just fell
and scraped her knee. I wanted so badly for those words "Dexter bit
Taylor" to be untrue, that when I finally saw her I couldn't believe
what my eyes were looking at. </div>
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As
I struggled getting my boots on Dexter's owner was quickly walking up
the front porch. I had the the front door open and half of my body
outside when I gazed upon my tiny, sweet, blonde haired Taylor cradled
in Dexter's owners arms. Taylor didn't make a sound. She was breathing
heavily and as I looked up at Dexter's owner I could see she was
covered in blood. More blood than could possibly come from a scraped
knee. My heart sank and as I reached for Taylor she rolled over
exposing her blood soaked face to me. Her eyes were darting around, not
connecting with anything, and she was mumbling incoherently. I looked
into Dexter's owners terrified eyes and exclaimed, "Dexter bit her?!"
She was shaking badly and I'm not sure if she was shaking from fear,
shock, or simply because Taylor was shaking. She looked at me and told
me, "Dexter just knocked Taylor over and she must have hit her head on
the ground." I knew deep down that couldn't possibly be what happened,
but my mind and body went into survival mode. I needed help for my
daughter and I needed it now. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1416366617357_2160" style="text-align: justify;">
I
cradled Taylor in my arms as my neighbor dialed 911. My neighbor had
gone outside to make the phone call and I never actually heard what she
said but, it has been recorded in the 911 logs that she did in fact
state the dog had bit Taylor. I called my husband who was on base at
work that evening and luckily one of our other neighbors was home from
work that night. He had ran across the street when he heard the dog
growl and followed me back inside the house after I had Taylor in my
arms. He had paper towels and was applying pressure to the wound on
Taylor's forehead while he talked to my husband about what had happened. He explained to my husband that Taylor was hurt very badly and he
needed to leave work immediately and meet us in the emergency room.The
only time I panicked was in those moments we were on the phone with my
husband. The kids had fallen and had bumps and bruises before and I
always handled everything on my own, but for whatever reason that night
hearing someone else say this is bad and you need to come home, sent
shivers down my spin. As soon as I hung up the phone with my husband I
slowly walked over to the couch so I could sit down and just hold Taylor
while we waited for the ambulance to arrive. It could not have been
more than 15 minutes while we waited, but during those 15 minutes Taylor
did not say one word. Her eyes were still darting around the room and
she was very quietly moaning and mumbling. In those 15 agonizing
minutes I thought my overwhelmingly intelligent and gifted daughter had
brain damage and would lose her right eye.</div>
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</div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1416366617357_2149" style="text-align: justify;">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJr14_yqzq8P3IZws1BajH1mMnTPbCDgxAeGFIq6Z3srJfNyUHSMDrxkclqKP42YpGTreuTmuKFFSi1e6aIttZdF5C4cMfylJof6FRbtcIv5uV46x2-jR7oVav2NrdVTIJT7S1K-2mVK1V/s1600/IMG_0964.JPG" height="320" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="240" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Taylor in the ambulance.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
The
dog had bitten her just to the outside and above her right eye. As it
bit down it pulled her skin from her forehead down exposing her skull
and covering her eye. I could see part of her eye was still there,
however, I wasn't sure how much was still there. The paramedics arrived
and removed our makeshift paper towel bandages to see how badly her
face was damaged. They didn't say much to me other than ask if she lost
consciousness, which at the time, I had no idea. I told them I was not
outside with her when this happened, so I wasn't sure what exactly
happened. The police had arrived and were standing in the doorway
listening to what I was saying. The paramedics scooped Taylor out of my
arms and carefully carried her to the ambulance. I quickly made
arrangements with Taylor's friends parents to watch my other daughter
while I took my son with me to the hospital. The ambulance driver
hooked my sons car seat in as I climbed into the back of the ambulance. Taylor was trembling as I reached out for her hand and that was the
first time since I saw her that she spoke. She said she was scared and
didn't want the IV needle to poke her. The paramedics had wrapped her
head with thick gauze covering her forehead and her right eye. They
were the nicest men and gave her a little pink and purple lion for her
to cuddle, together they decided to name her lion Skittles.</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhh27ruySoWjs_LJf3jokjSuylvaMV8UeDm4f37Nj0Rw9DBVOV8rAL4S4qvWc2SDoEQbnGOWW4Dsg86nC8G-GgtAAH7y-OAsXNUM3HRutAuN_a8HndJjAjg7JvJD-x-Lmt57cdzSHP_CXwu/s1600/IMG_1026.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhh27ruySoWjs_LJf3jokjSuylvaMV8UeDm4f37Nj0Rw9DBVOV8rAL4S4qvWc2SDoEQbnGOWW4Dsg86nC8G-GgtAAH7y-OAsXNUM3HRutAuN_a8HndJjAjg7JvJD-x-Lmt57cdzSHP_CXwu/s1600/IMG_1026.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">After being cleaned up, before surgery.</td></tr>
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The
ride to the emergency room only took about 5 minutes because we lived
in such a small town. Once we got to the ER they began to unwrap
Taylor's bandages and clean up her wound. They gave her pain meds and
she was finally speaking again. Although she was still having trouble
with putting together full sentences, at least she was talking. The
doctors took her to have a CT scan of her head to rule out any swelling
and bleeding in her brain. It was determined that she had a skull
fracture and she needed to be air lifted in a flight for life helicopter
to a bigger city with a trauma one hospital. While Taylor was having
her CT scan done my husband had finally arrived in the emergency room,
and we decided it would be best for our younger children if I gathered
our things and drove the 2 hours away to the bigger city and hospital. My husband would ride with Taylor in the helicopter. The flight for
life paramedics arrived and gave Taylor a small sedative because I had
told them she gets motion sick. They assured me Taylor would be alright
and this was the best decision of her. The medics strapped Taylor to
their bed that would fit inside the helicopter and I followed them out
holding Taylor's hand. I gave her a kiss and told her how much I love
her as they took her to the helipad. It was heart wrenching watching
that helicopter take off with my daughter in serious condition. I felt
helpless and afraid. I cried in the car clenching my son while we
watched my husband and daughter fly off into the distance.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVDe87DpNyQMCHEGygJX7X7-w5FUP0fAjCMthL_NiSyumHuL7rBrITxvGe_nWN9-GlA7kQr3kYxmzCCcToCaOU2bRp0HWyPJvvCk2bs89Rh0vR-4pZWDEUhmoV8uBjXTNKUFOmMhxgpWXK/s1600/IMG_3518.JPG" height="300" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="400" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Being bandaged for the helicopter ride.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmQd8SO5KkRVOsv0OEgjV16FqrypiEOI3Y3IIkqepjBwhQi6VpMxoLwcNObGFQIJ_1rDD3u4ocFn9rzC2lqAzD4ZHsOzEA6LldyJ1RmJSW9bXyobY9dwKSkOpKW7G7am5agYtdGxQ5Amjz/s1600/IMG_3517.JPG" height="300" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="400" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Getting in the helicopter.</td></tr>
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I
quickly returned home to gather our younger daughter, our overnight
bags, and some comfort items for Taylor. As I was getting ready to load
up the car and leave for my two hour drive my husband called to let me
know that they had arrived at the hospital and the surgeons were already
waiting for them to arrive. I had about five minutes to talk to Taylor
on the phone before they wheeled her into the operating room to close
her wound. It was around 10:00pm at this point and since I wasn't able
to be there for her surgery, and they were not sure how long her surgery
would take, we decided it would be best if I stayed home that night and
drove the two hours the next morning. It was nerve wracking waiting
for the phone call that Taylor was out of surgery and she was alright. Surgery lasted a little over two hours and it was about another 45
minutes after that before I was able to talk to her again. Taylor was
in good spirits and even though I could not be there, I am forever
grateful my husband was. To this day I still feel guilty that I was not
there for Taylor before and after her surgery, even though she says she
was happy to at least have her daddy there.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoUbhQ2upIqU95ALl_-Ne98c-JLJKFox3qsT9dD3GFxe7JT3Gw4iSdmGH7p9aq7S20SwsiJCGqeR3Hxp9T-WfiHhfBWQruuuHL8jp73JU6WxfavQM7nJILY8J2Y8lXfNh8dOkpbYV7hFb8/s1600/IMG_0974.JPG" height="320" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="240" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">After surgery.</td></tr>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
Taylor
ended up with close to a hundred stitches inside and out of her wound
to close the gap. We are lucky that we had the surgeons we had and they
did not have to use a skin graph to close her wound. Her wound was
about an inch wide and ran from the top of her forehead down and across
her eyebrow. Her eye was completely intact despite the dogs tooth
puncturing her skin about a 1/3 of an inch from her eye socket. The
skull fracture occurred when Taylor's skull forcefully hit the street
from the dog lunging so hard and fast at her. She had a serious
concussion that had lasting effects for about a month after the attack. She had trouble with her extensive vocabulary, forgetting what she was
talking about in the middle of a sentence, nausea, sensitivity to light,
and dizzy spells. We started Taylor in sand box therapy about a week
after the attack and she was diagnosed as having severe shock, PTSD, and
a severe anxiety disorder. Because Taylor immediately went into shock
when the dog lunged at her, to this day she does not remember what
exactly happened. The only thing Taylor remembers is petting the dog
and then "waking up in the ambulance", even though she never lost
consciousness. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1416366617357_2150" style="text-align: justify;">
We
learned from witnesses about 2 days after the attack that it was in
fact a dog bite and she did not simply fall over. The legal aftermath
of the attack has been a nightmare and we are still, 9 months later, in
the midst of a legal battle. Absolutely nothing happened to the dog
because the owners lied about what had happened and to this day, still
will not admit there is even a possibility their dog bit our daughter. Taylor is doing wonderful. Her wound is completely healed and her scar
is fading more and more everyday. My husband's enlistment came up with
the Air Force and we moved home to Colorado to be with our family and
friends. Taylor has never been happier and she is thriving in our new
home. We are truly blessed and lucky that our sweet Taylor is doing so
well. When I think back to that day, this attack could have been so
much worse. It was terrifying and horrible but, I'm grateful the dog
didn't get her eye or worse rip into her throat. There is beauty in the
aftermath of trauma and I find that beauty in my intelligent,
hilarious, loving, gorgeous daughter Taylor. She is the definition of
strength and courage and I am forever thankful for her life.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmPfSDcbeXAMCVqvj8jmE2NUJDUj2aoh6erYBL6UZwWB9wyE8F8guthFA-hXWOxH4youDwfHfDQhZpwVb6aLAGNj3F2WH3ptTWb6GjpeW1jcKD9_rHiNjL5b7oDW760R8uPrfy-bxwWQP3/s1600/IMG_1427.JPG" height="320" width="320" /></div>
</div>
Lauren @ Another mom another blog.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16654266835585358830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6808449337343499696.post-75622568200548017692014-11-12T16:28:00.001-08:002014-11-28T23:10:39.669-08:00Things Fall Apart<div style="text-align: justify;">
When one of my health issues gets bad enough, I try to ignore all my other health issues. This is what has been happening lately because of my headaches. They have been so severe that I've been ignoring my GI track, even though it's been on a steep decline for the past few weeks.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Lately I've been having really terrible reflux- to the point where I'm waking up at night choking on acid. The reason I have reflux is because I have Gastroparesis. Because my stomach doesn't digest/ drain food and acid properly, food and acid goes up very easily. This is compounded by the fact that my lower esophageal sphincter doesn't close all the way.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My other Gastroparesis symptoms have also gotten a lot worse. I'm back to relying on nausea medication every day, I've stopped tolerating most foods, my stomach isn't doing any digesting at night which means I wake up very sick, I'm burping up even the faintest of food flavors for hours on end, and my bloating is worse than ever.</div>
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</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
When I decided to get the gastric neurostimulator instead of having a fundoplication/ pyloroplasty earlier this year, I knew that it was only a band-aid procedure for nausea. I knew it wasn't going to help any of my other symptoms, but I wanted to see if a nausea reduction made living with Gastroparesis tolerable. It seemed to for awhile, but a few weeks ago things took a turn for the worst.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I knew that it was likely I'd need a GERD surgery at some point, and that it might also be in my best interests to reconsider the pyloroplasty.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Today I met with my GI doctor and he said that the only treatments left for us to consider are 1) the fundoplication/ pyloroplasty or 2) a partial gastrectomy- where they'd remove a portion of my stomach. Or I can do nothing and continue watching my ability to function like a normal human being slip away.</div>
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</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
Obviously I don't want to have either of those surgeries. I wrote at length about all the horrible things I learned about fundoplications and pyloroplasties, and my fear of them hasn't changed. I could end up with dumping syndrome, diarrhea for life, or a leaking pylorus that would require me to have a gastrectomy anyway. Even if everything goes perfectly- and with my luck this seems improbable- the recovery from these procedures is still very long and very difficult.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But right now I'm in a unique position. Because
my stimulator surgery was so expensive I've fulfilled my health
insurance out-of-pocket maximum deductible for the year- meaning I get
free healthcare until the end of the year. We have a high-copay,
high-deductible insurance plan (which sucks), so squeezing as much
healthcare as I can before the end of the year is in our bank accounts
best interest. I can get the procedure done in the next few weeks for free, or I can spend another $3,500 to have it done next year if I take more time to decide. And we don't have that kind of money.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<br />
I just want to feel better. But I'm so scared.<br />
<br />
My surgery is scheduled for December 4th so that the last real meal I'll be able to eat is Thanksgiving dinner.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNBvzAATgKyEIYlDcrDSBdulYi-VmpZQfYnuVDszbzkxnmWqC_x48gRI56mVm1sXZwHbZxZgd4tQfLf0vFPfnQitaiBvuE9S5WMucQ_vKaJhy0XuzvmyNJorGjsXDB2oRrAHX0C4in74xl/s1600/sig2.png" /> </div>
Lauren @ Another mom another blog.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16654266835585358830noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6808449337343499696.post-73662885727768499102014-11-03T17:53:00.001-08:002014-11-03T17:53:54.137-08:00Our Halloween<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that Halloween has already come and gone, and that it's November now. Today was a chilly, sad day and I celebrated the fact that it didn't snow by buying myself a caramel brulee latte and playing the <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTUAnk6gXdM">Fallout Boy version of "What's This"</a> three times in a row while driving home from physical therapy.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
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We had a wonderful Halloween though, even if the end of the night turned a little crazy.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
I had a rough start to the day by waking up more nauseous than I had been in a long, long time. Luckily I was able to solve it with some medication- it seems that I just hadn't digested any of the food I had eaten the previous night. That's never a fun way to wake up. But when I was up and feeling better R and I spent a good deal of time perfectly applying her ghost makeup so she'd look perfect for her preschool costume parade (her preschool is part of an elementary school so they get to walk around with all the big kids too!) Everything looked wonderful...</div>
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... until I couldn't find they keys to the Trans Am and R absolutely and completely melted down at the prospect of driving the Commander. She cried off all her adorable makeup and I may or may not have cried a little too. We had invited our friends to come to her preschool Halloween party and then accidentally gave them the wrong time, so we didn't have any time to re-apply her makeup as we rushed out the door to meet our friends.</div>
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It was ok though because I got a little bit of makeup back on her face as we had Starbucks with our friends, and she ended up looking pretty adorable for her parade and party.</div>
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She loved staring at all the big kids in the parade and then had a great time at the little party her preschool put on. I've probably said this before but I just love her preschool so, so, so much!</div>
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After the party we went home and I decided that while the sun was shining and I was feeling ok that it was time to clean out the Commander. It had accumulated a full Ikea bag of clothes, toys, and other junk and needed a good vacuuming. We went and did that and then bought some candy to put out at our house. We waited for N to get home and I put out our bowl of candy with a "please only take one sign." This has worked twice in the past and I've come home to a practically full bowl of candy, but this Halloween we definitely had a "dumper." And on a year I bought good candy too!</div>
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When N got home we all headed to my parents house and I dressed up in my favorite werewolf costume (sadly I didn't get any pictures of myself) and painstakingly reapplied R's makeup, threatening to eat all her candy if she had another meltdown. (Spoiler alert: I've eaten most of her candy anyway.) My parents got us pizza and then left to go see a movie and we were joined by our dear friends Travis and Courtney and their three kids for trick-or-treating.</div>
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Their girls are SO good and sweet to R who is such a little bossy boss. They ran with her from house to house getting candy, and even tried to reassure her at some of the scarier houses. Three houses in my parents neighborhoods had really awesome haunted houses set up in the front of the house or in the garage and it gave me lots of grand ideas for the future. Ideas I can hopefully talk my parents into funding and hosting. ;)</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Difficult to see but one of the haunted house setups. (Drag to url bar to enlarge.)</td></tr>
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After hanging out for awhile we all headed home and all was well until about 1am. N got up to go to the bathroom and I immediately knew something was wrong. Sure enough, he was very, very sick- and let me know that he had been feeling off since he eaten lunch, but thought he had gotten over it.</div>
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Because we have a one bathroom house and I 1) need to go to the bathroom frequently and 2) have a massive phobia regarding throwing up, I decided to throw a sleeping R into the car and go back to my parents house. I'm thankful we're always welcome back at their place when we're having a bathroom crisis, haha.</div>
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R and I ended up staying over the entire next day and the following night as well in order to let N recover. He even took Saturday (his busiest day!) off of work because of how sick he felt. When N takes off work you KNOW something is seriously wrong. Luckily he was feeling much better yesterday and we came home. One day we'll have more than one bathroom and things will be a lot easier. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself. ;)</div>
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Hope you all had a wonderfully wicked Halloween! </div>
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Lauren @ Another mom another blog.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16654266835585358830noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6808449337343499696.post-90930751057865945762014-10-27T15:26:00.002-07:002014-10-27T15:26:28.720-07:00Life Lately<div style="text-align: justify;">
It's been awhile since I've written a life/ health update and a lot has happened since the last time I wrote!</div>
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Mental health wise things are still up and down- though mostly down. I ended up switching medications from Prozac to Wellbutrin and it's taken awhile for most of the strange side effects I got from the Prozac to leave me. I'm not doing terribly well and I think it's finally time to admit that my OCD really has the best of me and that I need to try cognitive behavioral therapy. Finding a therapist has been really difficult and I don't really have a lot of time during the week to actually go to therapy. I know I need to make it a priority but uggh.</div>
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I've been in physical therapy for my jaw and pelvic floor for over a month now and I'm really happy with it. I absolutely adore my therapist and I wish I could go to her everyday! She's been massaging me (my face/ head/ neck) and doing "<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dry_needling">dry needling</a>" which isn't very fun but helps a lot. She recommended I go to a special dentist who does botox treatments for TMJD and so I had that done last week. The dentist botoxed my temporalis (head) and masseter (jaw) muscles and he said it can take up to a week to kick in so I'm really hoping it helps relax those muscles. They actually didn't have enough botox for my treatment in the office during my appointment, so I'm going back this Wednesday to finish it. Since botox isn't FDA approved for treatment of these muscles (not because it's dangerous but because getting FDA approval costs a bajillion dollars) my insurance wouldn't pay a dime. I had to put it on my credit card which I was *so close* to paying off but if this helps me then every penny will be worth it. Knock on wood!</div>
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My stomach has been giving me ups and downs but I'm still doing much better than I was before my surgery. My reflux is still horrible and uncontrollable but I'm going to wait to address that for awhile.</div>
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More interestingly, my general practitioner believes that a lot of the things I suffer from might stem from an autonomic nervous system disorder. She said she'd refer me to a neurologist (a specialist I've never seen before!) so we'll see what happens there. From what I've read there aren't really any treatments except symptom management for these types of disorders, but I'd feel a lot better if I knew my issues stemmed from a single cause instead of having a bunch of random conditions. My thyroid levels are decent and apparently I'm allergic to sesame seeds?</div>
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My GP also did a rheumatoid (blood) panel to see if my hand pain stems from arthritis. Depending on the results I might have to see a rheumatologist (another specialist I've never seen before!) and while I really want my results to be fine, I also want to know what the source of my pain is.</div>
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I have so many doctors appointments that between them and R's school and dance schedule I really haven't had a lot of time for much! Especially with how horrible my fatigue has been. I have good days and bad days- a lot of bad days- but I'm trying to get by. Thankfully N is the best, most supportive husband in the world and he helps with everything. I'd be in big trouble without him.</div>
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Speaking of N, he went to a spine specialist for his back and it turns out that two of his lower back disks are compressed/ damaged and have arthritis. He got a cortisone shot and has been going to physical therapy as well. He learned in PT that he has very weak abdominal/ core muscles (the muscles that support your lower back) and that he needs to strengthen them. He hasn't been playing hockey anymore which has been good for his back but sad for him. When his abdominal muscles strengthen I think he will be able to return but I'm not sure he wants to risk it anymore. Either way it's a bummer for sure but nowhere near as bad as we thought- thank goodness!</div>
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R is still loving preschool and dance class- and has loved her new tap class. I've volunteered at her preschool a few times and will be helping out with their Halloween party this week. After volunteering all I can say is thank goodness for preschool teachers. They are saints! I could never do that job in a million years! Here is how her school picture turned out...</div>
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If any of you remember my <a href="http://anothermomanotherblog13.blogspot.com/2014/05/disappointments-mental-illness-momming.html">major mental meltdown/ overreaction</a> regarding her dance pictures you'll know that these pictures went better than my wildest dreams. I needed to do a follow up to that post actually. You see I got her group pictures back and not only was she in both of them, she was also not the only little girl crying, and the vast majority of the girls had funny looks on their faces. Oh and if you're curious <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5PmaFi1exk">here's</a> the video of how her dance recital turned out. We were so proud!</div>
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Till next time!</div>
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Lauren @ Another mom another blog.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16654266835585358830noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6808449337343499696.post-54269627962924368562014-10-21T15:35:00.000-07:002014-10-21T15:35:26.330-07:00Countdown to Halloween Week 3: Costume Ideas/ Zombie Crawl Pictures<div align="center">
<a href="http://thechroniclesofwe.com/" title="The Chronicles of We"><img alt="The Chronicles of We" src="http://i889.photobucket.com/albums/ac94/jennifermjacobson/CountdownToHbuttonfinal_zps8d36b431.png" style="border: none;" /></a></div>
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Well I had hoped that this week I'd be able to show you some of my progress on R's Halloween costume, but there really hasn't been much progress to document. So instead I'll show you some of the inspiration for what I'm going for, and we'll see how it all turns out in the end, haha!</div>
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For R's first Halloween she was a marshmallow Peep. It was one of the cutest costumes I had ever seen! This was before I had my DSLR camera so these pics were taken with a disposable. I wish I had better ones!</div>
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Luckily the costume was a little big so I was able to use them for the best Easter photo ever the following spring:</div>
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The next Halloween I had hopes of being crafty but turned to Etsy instead. I don't know where I saw the idea for this costume in order to search for it, but it was love at first sight (of the listing, haha.) She was cookies and milk!</div>
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<a href="https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/599203_10100707366658533_1328051045_n.jpg?oh=210229392638e85c0b8c561bb1051cd7&oe=54EBE7AA&__gda__=1420683941_4d446b894d6a1a7a334d334bfc6bff56" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/599203_10100707366658533_1328051045_n.jpg?oh=210229392638e85c0b8c561bb1051cd7&oe=54EBE7AA&__gda__=1420683941_4d446b894d6a1a7a334d334bfc6bff56" width="400" /></a></div>
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Last year I didn't get any pictures for some reason, but during a decoration shopping stop at a Halloween store R found a Buzz Lightyear costume and HAD to have it. I could think of worse things she could be so I got it for her- along with a very cute Buzz Lightyear headband to add just a touch of girly flair. Of course we still got a lot of "your son is so cute!" but that doesn't bother me.</div>
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This year I asked R what she wanted to be and her response was "A GHOST LIKE oOoOoOohhh!" I don't know where she got that from but hey, I'll take it. So I immediately went to Pinterest (duh) and was inspired by the following:</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.etsy.com/listing/108126809/ghost-tutu-dress-halloween-costume?ref=sr_gallery_17&ga_search_query=halloween+costumes&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=US&ga_page=4&ga_search_type=all&ga_facet=halloween+costumes">Source</a></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.marthastewart.com/our-products">Source</a></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://laurenconrad.com/blog/2012/10/trick-or-treat-my-halloween-costumes/">Source</a></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/80/fc/f9/80fcf938a65208f84f43794487be3261.jpg" height="320" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="241" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.parenting.com/gallery/homemade-toddler-costumes?pnid=111051">Source</a></td></tr>
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I bought 20 yards of white tulle from fabric.com and have started to assemble a "tutu" dress similar to the first picture. However I'm not going to do the ghost face on the actual dress, I'm going to do R's makeup similar to the child in the bottom picture. It'll be cold here so she'll have on a white long sleeve shirt and pants and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to do the top of the costume. I really like the cape idea, but I also love the bow idea. I am not good with fabric unless it means cutting tulle into tutus so we'll see how my vision plays out in reality.</div>
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TO BE CONTINUED!</div>
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Also, here are a couple pictures I snapped of R, my brother, and I at the Zombie Crawl this weekend. I couldn't find my camera so these are all phone shots, and I didn't get as many as I wanted because R was being shy but we still had a blast. Even if it made my cold 10x worse! (I've cut them since they're a bit *fake* gory!)</div>
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Can you tell we're related? I think R looks a lot like him!</div>
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She wasn't as in to the fake blood this year because it was sticky (or the makeup because I wouldn't let her put in on herself) but she rocked those tattoos!</div>
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Between all the makeup and fake blood and being downtown on the 16th Street Mall, the post crawl shower is always amazing!<br />
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She gave the exact look she had in the first two pictures to one of my brothers friends and I cracked up. I wish I had caught it on camera to add to my collection but ah how my little zombie is growing!</div>
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Lauren @ Another mom another blog.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16654266835585358830noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6808449337343499696.post-72564565894081077182014-10-15T16:28:00.002-07:002014-10-15T16:28:39.266-07:00Fall Swag Swap!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Another year another awesome fall swag swap headed by <a href="http://camoandlipstick.blogspot.com/">Candra</a>, <a href="http://d-and-s-macke.blogspot.com/">Desiree</a>, <a href="http://www.beautyandthebaseballcoach.com/">Shelli</a>, and <a href="http://homemadehappenings-erin.blogspot.com/">Erin</a>!<br />
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This year I was partnered with Jenny from <a href="http://www.thechroniclesofwe.com/">The Chronicles of We</a> and our being matched up was destiny- she used to live only a few miles from me (actually in the area I grew up in) in suburban Colorado. Talk about a weird coincidence. I had an awesome time getting to know her and was amazed with some of the things we had in common! I can't wait to keep following her journey (she's building a lake house- hello, could that be any cooler?) and she did an AWESOME job picking my swag!</div>
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The haul!<br />
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Jenny and I talked about our love for the Autumn Mix in our emails! My mom used to set out a bowl of it every year while I was growing up, and Jenny does the same. I actually was going to send her a bag of this as well but it wouldn't fit in the box! The candy corn M&Ms are delicious too. They're made with white chocolate and I love white chocolate! </div>
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I have a major candle obsession, especially when it comes to seasonal scents. This is a sweet and fun smell that I love, and right now it's on display in R's room! I'll be real here, R's room is not the best smelling room in the house (somebody still wears pullups at night if you catch my drift) so this is a VERY welcome addition to her room! </div>
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Spooky beauty products? I could not be anymore in love! The skull lip gloss is one of my favorite things I've ever gotten (detailed pictures below), and these nail polishes are so cute. I actually just had an orange and black manicure but it's all chipped off now so I am going to be breaking out these adorable polishes next. I will have them all on display year round! </div>
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Some people are not fans of the pumpkin spice craze/ pumpkin smell and I am NOT one of those people. Hand soap is something we always seem to go through more quickly than I remember to buy refills of so this will be put to good use!</div>
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How great is this spooky skull candle? If you've seen my Halloween decoration posts you'll know that this is right up my alley- and has already made a home for itself right along with my other favorite decorations. When you burn this candle there is red wax underneath and I am debating on whether I want to leave it like it is or burn it just a little for a spooky effect. I just love this!</div>
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Here is the closeup of the skull lip gloss (and my sad old manicure, haha.) 1. It is a skull. 2. It has jewel eyes. 3. It holds pink (glittery!) lip gloss. 4. Said lip gloss smells/ tastes/ looks amazing. I think I need about a million more of these!</div>
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Jenny hit it out of the park with this swap- thank you so much for everything!</div>
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Lauren @ Another mom another blog.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16654266835585358830noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6808449337343499696.post-37354996333496186852014-10-14T14:36:00.000-07:002014-10-14T14:36:04.746-07:00Countdown to Halloween Week 2: Our Indoor Decor<div align="center">
<a href="http://thechroniclesofwe.com/" title="The Chronicles of We"><img alt="The Chronicles of We" src="http://i889.photobucket.com/albums/ac94/jennifermjacobson/CountdownToHbuttonfinal_zps8d36b431.png" style="border: none;" /></a></div>
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I've got one of those wonderful fall colds but I didn't want to miss out on this week's linkup so I'll show you the pictures I took a few days ago and leave the commentary for another time. Of course if you have any questions just ask! :)</div>
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Lauren @ Another mom another blog.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16654266835585358830noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6808449337343499696.post-53564050886601088582014-10-07T13:19:00.001-07:002014-10-07T13:19:08.400-07:00We painted R's big girl room! FINALLY!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So we said we were going to do this in May and then obviously shit happened. A lot of it to be honest. And I hate painting (mostly prepping) so I was avoiding it at all costs. However as the days begin to get shorter and darker I knew that we had to paint soon because the dark green of her walls was just depressing me.</div>
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A few weeks ago we were at Home Depot getting paint to finish some other areas of our house and I said, "Screw my grand plans, what color do you want to paint your room R?" And she chose purple- i.e. one of my least favorite colors ever. So I chose it in the lightest shade possible and I'll be honest, it's actually quite beautiful. None of these photos do it the justice it deserves in natural light (in artificial light at night it looks pink!) but trust me when I say it does actually look purple, and it is very nice looking. </div>
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Here is a panorama shot of her room looking in from the door.</div>
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This is the right corner of her room where we keep her "naughty chair" (time out chair) and the display case where I keep all her most special- and breakable- things.</div>
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Also on that wall is the little rainbow chevron chair I saw at HomeGoods and couldn't <i>not<b> </b></i>buy, and R's trash can. Uggh. On that blank area I'm going to come up with some sort of system to hold/ display all her headbands and bows since she's wearing them again, but right now I'm not 100% sure what I'm going to do.</div>
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Right now her case is decorated with Halloween decorations that she's picked out herself. The candle was actually recieved in the fall blogger swap I participated in and I can't wait to share the rest with you on the 15th!</div>
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<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWiXKaNcrAwdqE8-UbXamVNgXq3BzX8x0bOC6K0rRYI5cquJKqy55b07j2LuW6-4kd1lS60tNi_95CVCdzPTLktkC-3PGQwdGyAVKNjQ7_MUvZZzLGFJBZEtEe1782fQVw4RTDwGDcF2us/s1600/9.JPG" height="426" width="640" /></div>
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<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8zUtoDc9ws8MvhgSROqw7pmuD-ITGg1_2G5f9vQIKbkhVqVUfQzIyeQOgTJLtO_bX3h3HBlR9H1ETiDEzX1ZkOM5lMfZqkhG0zHT3zkpdWyU8Iqf_BdMjroTyGp-EDFloU7ExRiNgZnYD/s1600/10.JPG" height="426" width="640" /></div>
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On the bedside table we keep her favorite books (although she has a giant wall of them in the office/ playroom that she'll also chose to read before bed), a coaster for the water she demands every night, and her light and nightlight.</div>
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Her current favorite animals. (Can you tell we're fans of the internet?) <br />
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This shot was taken from the right corner of the room right next to the display case- in front of the window. This is her closet. The curtains in here and in the office/ playroom were supposed to be temporary until we could afford sliding doors but I've decided I like these much better. I can access both sides of the closet at once and I'm not accidentally sliding doors off the track like I do with every sliding door I've ever used. I need to get higher quality curtains though- these are the cheapest ones from IKEA and they're see-through and ripped.</div>
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The obnoxious fish tank N bought her. <br />
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The bird cage with our wedding cake topper that I couldn't take down. :) <br />
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And some of the other projects that I'm waiting to finish for her room! Since I'm not going to do the chevron wall I decided that her big wall needed something to jazz it up. I bought these giant letters at Joannes and am going to use spray glitter on them. I remember using it last year and it worked well but was expensive and the cans might do just half a letter. I decided to do her initials only because the letters were so huge. And the box on the right is the material for her rainbow canopy that I swear to go I am going to finish this week! N has promised to help. ;)</div>
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That's all the progress for now! I'll try to remember to take pictures of the initial and canopy crafts once I get those going. I'm also going to be making R's Halloween costume so expect a post on that as well!</div>
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Lauren @ Another mom another blog.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16654266835585358830noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6808449337343499696.post-45782564827749413252014-10-07T11:52:00.003-07:002014-10-07T11:52:43.046-07:00It's the most wonderful time of the year!<div align="center">
<a href="http://thechroniclesofwe.com/" title="The Chronicles of We"><img alt="The Chronicles of We" src="http://i889.photobucket.com/albums/ac94/jennifermjacobson/CountdownToHbuttonfinal_zps8d36b431.png" style="border: medium none;" /></a><br />
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Well I've had my indoor decorations set up since the middle of September (no shame!) but as soon as October 1st hit I decided it was time to do the outdoors as well. I don't have as many outdoor decorations because they just don't last in our October weather, but I'm really happy with what I do have. However I have some pretty grand plans for the future...</div>
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In the years that we haven't had any flowers in our garden at this time I've transformed it into a mini graveyard. However our flowers are still going strong this year and I have no desire to till the garden until next spring so for now I'm accessorizing with my awesome skeleton flamingos. I bought these last year and used them as well, and I asked N if we could keep them up all year round (and I tried!) but he gave that the big "no way."</div>
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In the window I taped up a skeleton that I got at the Dollar Store last year and added the Beware of Dog sign that I bought after our garage was broken into. I don't think anybody truly needs to "beware" of Hank, who is scared of mice, but hopefully it will make a thief pause to think. On the other side of the window that isn't show in this pic is an arched black cat that I found at Goodwill last year.</div>
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My favorite decoration of all is our giant spider web and my beloved Shelob. Ok so she's a small excuse for the actual Shelob but for now I'm making due. I bought her at Target a few years back and I believe they still sell similar ones. I don't remember where I got the web but for being made out of plastic it's held up nicely for a few years now. I use a staple gun to attach it to the sides of the house and then tie it to the storm door as well. Because the storm door opens out it doesn't disturb the web when it's opened/ closed. I've also had that skeleton for awhile now and one day I'd like to get a full size one but this year this guy is just going to hang out on the hook at the top of our porch. I need to get a longer rope for him so it looks like he's more trapped in the web.</div>
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Although the flowers in my garden are going crazy my potted petunias weren't looking so hot. I decided it was time to clear them out and my empty pots seemed to grow some interesting new plants... ;) I got these fake severed parts at the Dollar Store a few years ago and we've used them as props at the Zombie Crawl. Reagan was 1 1/2 and teething at her first crawl so she walked around chewing on one of the hands. It was perfect. </div>
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(Yes she is wearing underwear in this picture.)</div>
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New this year is my Zombie Crossing sign! You can't tell from the pictures but it's sparkly which brings it up to 11. I got it at Michael's this year and let me say, their Halloween collection this year has been ON POINT whereas I'm a little disappointed with Target. I am avoiding Micahel's at all costs right now because we're on a budget and I told myself no more Halloween decorations but hopefully I can convince my mom to go there with me... ;) (You can also sort of see in this picture that there are purple lights wrapped around our bannister.)</div>
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In the future (where hopefully we have more time and money!) I want to do a full on Nightmare Before Christmas yard. I have some great pins on Pinterest right now just waiting for the day when my bank account- and N- gives me the go ahead.</div>
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A girl can dream right?! ONE DAY I PROMISE!!!</div>
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Lauren @ Another mom another blog.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16654266835585358830noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6808449337343499696.post-47918306811248511012014-09-22T18:15:00.003-07:002014-09-22T18:15:46.250-07:00Chronically Awesome<div style="text-align: justify;">
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I am an open book, I always have been, I always will be. My mom used to joke that I was the only teenager who told her <i>too much</i> about my life.<br />
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I've never had a problem with being open about my mental illness, even though I was taught that it was something to be ashamed of, something I should strive to hide. But sharing has helped me connect with people, and connecting with people reminds me that I don't struggle alone. And that has made a world of difference in my life.<br />
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But talking about my physical health is a lot more difficult for me. This blog has actually helped me be more open about it than I ever have in my life. Then again, me starting up this blog coincided with my Gastroparesis diagnosis and subsequent treatment, and it's all been too major not to mention.<br />
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For many years now I've struggled with Hashimoto's (autoimmune) Hypothyroidism, GERD/ Gastroparesis, a pelvic floor disorder, and a TMJ disorder that causes constant tension headaches. I also have pain and weakness in my wrists and fingers but I'm going to ignore that for as long as possible. ;) I've also had two sinus surgeries (a septoplasty and a turbinate reduction) and a tonsillectomy. Oh and at some point they took out my appendix too. There's also the hypersomina... oh the hypersomnia!</div>
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I had a physical last month, and my doctor (my general practitioner) told me "you have such a great attitude for someone who is so sick." And that struck me, because I never really saw myself as <i>sick</i>. At least not physically.</div>
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That's not to say I don't feel sick, I feel fucking TERRIBLE all the time, but I always attributed these issues to personal failings as opposed to actual diseases/ conditions. I'm nauseous all the time because I have no self control when it comes to food. My hair falls out because I don't get enough vitamins. My muscles are clenched all the time because I have an uptight personality. I'm tired all the time because I'm lazy.</div>
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Except, I'm nauseous because my vagus nerve is partially paralyzed and my stomach doesn't function properly (and I never feel worse than I do after eating veggies.) My hair falls out because I have autoimmune hypothyroidism (my vitamin levels are fine.) My muscles are clenched for god knows what reason but I can't control it (really I'm not that uptight!) And I'm tired all the time because all these goddamn diseases (the mental ones included!) zap my energy.</div>
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Of course, the tricky thing about all these diseases are that they're invisible. And to a lot of people, certain members of my family included, invisible means not real or easy to solve. It doesn't matter that my blood tests show erratic thyroid levels and high inflammatory markers, that a nuclear gastric emptying study showed a significant delay in stomach function, or that physical manipulation of my muscles/ joints have shown abnormality. When you look fine, you're supposed to act fine. And I try to, I really do.</div>
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But there's a reason why every room in my house is never clean at the same time, why the laundry piles up, and why I can't make dinner every night.</div>
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I'm chronically ill. In fact I have multiple chronic illnesses/ diseases. And I need to stop hating myself because of that.</div>
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When I say that I'm chronically ill I feel like a kid trying to join a club that she's not cool enough for. Or in this case, sick enough for. To be honest, I feel like a fraud. There are countless people out there who have it MUCH worse than I do- I am acutely aware of that. And I am endlessly thankful for the moderation of my illnesses and the pieces of me that are healthy.<br />
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But I hate myself for being sick, precisely because I can't admit to myself that I am sick. People say that you should never have excuses, but what does that even mean? What's the difference between an excuse and a explanation aside from unfair stigma. All my life I've believed in the "bootstraps" mantra to a certain extent, but everybody is only able to pull up their straps so much. Everybody is doing the best they can.<br />
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I am doing the best I can, and dammit that is going to be enough.<br />
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Lauren @ Another mom another blog.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16654266835585358830noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6808449337343499696.post-36437738279401254172014-09-08T18:15:00.004-07:002014-09-08T18:15:59.605-07:00Life Lately...<div style="text-align: justify;">
I keep telling myself I'm going to set a
time aside in my schedule specifically for blogging, and then it never
happens. With preschool two days a week, dance two days a week, and countless doctor/ physical therapy appointments, any time I have on the computer is spent doing online work for my mom's friend- and now my mom too. Whoo-hoo for money!</div>
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My health has been up and down lately. My stomach hasn't been troubling me as much as it was earlier this year but it's a constant struggle. My mental health peaked for the few weeks after I started Prozac and has been deteriorating ever since. I've been struggling with anxiety, depression, and a total lack of motivation (which also explains why I haven't been around here as much.) I've also been having really severe tension headaches that aren't helped by Tylenol/ Advil and I realized they are tied to my TMJ issues. So I just started physical therapy for my jaw (and my pelvic floor too, <i>so</i> fun) in hopes that will eliminate the headaches. I had a jaw massage (outside and inside my mouth) last week and it was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. It was worse than childbirth- I almost passed out.</div>
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We also got some bad news regarding N's health. He was in an ATV accident about 5 years ago where he flipped an ATV and his lower back landed on a rock. He developed a MASSIVE hematoma and it went away but then came back when he was wrestling with his brother. His brother and sister drug him kicking and screaming to the ER (they were in Montana for his step-grandpa's funeral) but all they did was an x-ray which didn't show any damage. He's had lower back pain ever since and at times it's gotten so bad he can't walk. One night after hockey he literally crawled into the house on his hands and knees because he had hurt it so bad while doing a twisting motion. I drug him (again, kicking and screaming) to the Urgent Care clinic the next day and the doctor just wrote him a script for pain pills and sent us on our way.</div>
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The pain has been getting worse and more frequent so I made him go to my general practitioner. Within minutes of talking to my husband, the doctor set him up to get an MRI, and he had it done a few days later. We got a call just hours after the MRI saying that N has two slipped and one torn disk in his spine. He'll be seeing a specialist next week. We're really hoping that his issues can be healed without surgery. If he had to take time off work for surgery (and then be on light duty for however long after that) it would be financially catastrophic for us. He is guaranteed 40 hours of pay every week, but mechanics rely on their hours flagged (commission) so he makes at least 3 times what his guaranteed pay is every week. We wouldn't be able to live on that 40 hours, especially with the added healthcare costs.</div>
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But in better news R has been rocking it at school and dance. Although she's had some emotional hiccups at each she's really doing a great job. She LOVES preschool and I LOVE my 2 1/2 hours of free time twice a week. I've been really worried about her picking up school germs- especially with that super scary respiratory virus going around Colorado- but I'm trying to keep calm. She has to be around other kids at some point or another, right? Right?!</div>
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Hank has been doing well too! The orthopedic specialist vet we took him to only noticed some abnormal bone density around his shoulder but nothing to be super worried about. He's still limping a little bit but the activity restrictions are off and we've been able to start taking him to the dog park again- which rocks his world. I've also been able to take him on a few walks recently after purchasing a gentle leader head collar. He was so hard for me to walk before because he's so big, and I'm so weak. He isn't particularly naughty on a leash but any slight pull from him would yank my arm practically out of the socket. He hates the head collar but he's getting used to it and when he isn't freaking out when it's on he walks like a dream!</div>
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September is upon us which means my birthday is coming up (next Sunday!) which means that my indoor Halloween decorations are going up right after that. I am totally shameless. N hates I keep them up for so long but he's just a debbie downer. I LOVE Halloween and R has informed me she "wants to be a ghost like ooOOoohhHHhh" so I'll be trying to come up with a cute costume for her. I'm also looking forward to two different zombie crawls this year! Halloween is the only thing that perks me up about summer leaving. I get a special pain in my heart when the leaves start to change that doesn't feel better until the trees are fully leafed and green again.</div>
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Ah well. It's been a good summer even if I didn't get to do much of my bucket list. Until next summer!</div>
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Lauren @ Another mom another blog.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16654266835585358830noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6808449337343499696.post-22760736529683082392014-08-21T14:27:00.003-07:002014-08-21T14:27:45.875-07:00R's First Day of Preschool<div style="text-align: justify;">
I just picked R up and that means we have officially completed our first week of preschool! I'll be honest, it feels a little surreal that she's old enough to be in preschool at all. It doesn't make me sad or nostalgic, but it does feel strange. Most of all, I LOVE IT, 2.5 hours of free time twice a week?! Heaven! But ask me how I feel when she picks up her first communicable disease. Let's just not think about that. ;)</div>
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For her first day I decided to hop on the Pinterest bandwagon (duh) and make her a little chalkboard sign. I found this great silver frame at Michael's when I was picking up a Silhouette Cameo (post for another time!) and when I saw it was buy one get one free I really couldn't say no. So we have one in pink too! Her adorable outfit is completely from Target- shoes, dress, and headband. Target has the cutest toddler clothes EVER.</div>
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She wouldn't be my child without a little attitude! </div>
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But I got some smiles! </div>
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Her preschool is at the same elementary school N went to when he was little! </div>
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<br />When it was time for class to start I took her in, signed her in, and she sat down to play right away! She completely stopped paying attention to me and I wasn't sure whether I should try and say goodbye or just book it. I didn't want her to freak out at me just disappearing so I told her bye and didn't look back! Her teachers said she did perfect and she acted perfectly when I went to pick her up!</div>
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Today was a little different. She was a bit more nervous to enter the classroom and there was another little girl having a massive meltdown. The other girl's mother (grandmother?) left at the same time I did and the little girl's freak out triggered a freak out in Reagan. I could hear her screaming when I was outside the building but I knew that going back in would just make things worse and that she was in capable hands. When I went to pick her up her teacher said that she didn't stay upset for long and was fine as soon as the other little girl calmed down.</div>
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I had anticipated a massive meltdown from her the first day and I knew she was going to struggle a little sooner or later. This girl still has problems at dance class and she's been going to that for almost a year now! But it was a wonderful two days and I'm looking forward to many free afternoons filled with baby-free errands!</div>
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Lauren @ Another mom another blog.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16654266835585358830noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6808449337343499696.post-48326088215856146242014-08-16T19:02:00.000-07:002014-08-16T19:02:02.765-07:00A quick update...<div style="text-align: justify;">
Hellllllllllooooo out there!</div>
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I'm still here (mostly in spirit) and I definitely haven't abandoned my blog! Things have been crazier than usual lately so I thought I'd pop in for a quick rundown on why I've been MIA and might be for just a bit longer...</div>
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I've been working! Ok, not going to a job working, but my mom's friend hired me to do some copy writing for her website and I've been working like crazy on it. That's the #1 reason why I haven't been posting here. If I'm on my blogging computer it's because I'm working on the website text. I've gotten a good chunk of it done but I still have a bit more to go so I won't be posting much in the next few weeks. It's been tough but I'm hoping I can pick up some more of these jobs because mama's Trans Am needs a new coat of paint!</div>
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R IS STARTING SCHOOL! Preschool to be exact, but school nonetheless. I put off enrolling her in preschool until this summer and by that time the preschool I had wanted her to go to had closed down. It actually ended up re-opening under another name but the prices went up and we just couldn't swing it. I tried getting in touch with the preschool at the elementary school our neighborhood is assigned to, but after 2 weeks of not hearing back I decided to call the preschool at N's old elementary school.</div>
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Not only did the preschool director actually pick up the phone (and was super duper nice) but the school is actually closer to us! I went and enrolled R that day and now she's set to start school next Tuesday. I am really nervous at how she'll behave because she has issues adjusting to new things and being separated from me/ N (initially), but I'm stoked at the prospect of 2 1/2 child free hours twice a week. I'm acting all tough but I'm probably going to miss her while she's gone. Maybe. ;)</div>
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I'm having major writers block right now regarding the last pieces of the work I'm doing so hopefully that will clear soon. Then I'll be back here and hopefully getting up all the posts I say I am going to do and then never do.</div>
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Lauren @ Another mom another blog.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16654266835585358830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6808449337343499696.post-77689588154893488682014-08-04T08:00:00.000-07:002014-08-04T08:00:03.669-07:00Our Vacation Part 3<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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N's grandma knows a man who carves and paints carousel horses for a living. This man also happens to own his very own carousel that sits in his backyard- which is also on the lake. N got to ride the carousel when he was little, and now it was R's turns to ride it herself!</div>
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Isn't it beautiful?!<br />
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The trees were pretty thick but you can sort of see the lake in the background. I can't imagine a more beautiful setting for a private carousel!</div>
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I have never captured so many smiles on camera as I did when R was on the carousel. I don't think I've ever seen her more excited over something that doesn't involve cars. It was the sweetest thing. N's mom took her on a couple of rides and then N took her on some as well. The owners were so kind to give us so many rides!</div>
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I didn't ride the carousel because of my motion sickness but they made me pose for a fake action shot, haha!</div>
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After our carousel ride we went to pick cherries. One of the women in N's grandma's neighborhood has a bunch of cherry trees in her backyard and she happened to be out of town when they were ripe. She gave us permission to go over and pick as many as we wanted!</div>
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N was in charge of the camera for this excursion, haha!<br />
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R was just the sweetest thing picking and eating cherries!<br />
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Self timer test shot! ;)<br />
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We took the cherries home and I washed and cut them up to make an easy cherry cobbler. All you do is cut up fruit, then mix cake mix with one stick of butter and layer that over the top of the fruit. It was really good although I am pretty sure there was more than one worm in it. As I was cutting the cherries open, especially the Bings, I found SO many worms. It was so gross but that's nature!</div>
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This little diva just kills me!<br />
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On our last day in Montana we drove to the quaint little town of Bigfork. It's on the other side of Flathead lake and they usually boat over to it, but because the boat was broken we drove. The town reminds me a lot of the little mountain towns in Colorado and there were lots of gift shops and little restaurants. I bought huckleberry everything (fudge, tea, chocolate, honey, etc.) and ate all my huckleberry fudge before N and R even got home. I am trying to restrain myself from ordering more off the internet. That will probably happen anyway...</div>
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I don't remember what R was having a meltdown over but she definitely has a flair for drama. Which brings me to the collection of all my favorite pictures of R taken throughout the trip. It pains me to say this but if I didn't think she was my child before (aside from you know, the fact that she's physically like a little clone of me) I know she is now...</div>
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I think there's a good chance we'll be headed up to the lake next year, and I know that at least I'll be getting a two way plane ticket, haha. I miss it so much already and I have already been dreaming of floating along in the river watching the birds.</div>
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And speaking of the birds...</div>
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I had been talking about getting a tattoo while in Montana because there's a lot of great shops in Kalispell but I didn't think I'd actually do it. Then when N and I were running very early on our way to the airport I decided to stop in one of the shops that was on the way and see if they could fit in a quick walk-in. I lucked out and ended up with this pretty little guy. I have been thinking about a swallow tattoo for a long time now (I love old school tattoos) and after all my swallow watching at the lake I decided it was time to pull the trigger. I love it and tattoo fever is back in full swing!</div>
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Maybe I'll get one on the other side next year. ;)</div>
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Lauren @ Another mom another blog.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16654266835585358830noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6808449337343499696.post-57390056674385843382014-08-03T11:53:00.000-07:002014-08-03T11:53:29.560-07:00Our Vacation Part 2<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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N's grandma's dock bowed during the winter one year and they haven't fixed it yet. I think it has character!</div>
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Here's the view of the other side of the bay. I don't know why I didn't get any pictures of this view from the dock!</div>
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This is how we spent our days! Lounging and just enjoying the water! <br />
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R just loved "taking care of" her turtle, haha. <br />
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We did get her to try and swim once! Even though she could float in the life jacket she was very cautious in the water. I have zero problem with her caution!</div>
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I captured so many real smiles from her on this trip. They warm my heart!<br />
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N took us out on the canoe a few times to fish. We didn't ever catch anything because the fish were too small, but it was fun to just be out on the lake as a family.</div>
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The end of the bay.<br />
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All those little specks are fish. Too little to catch with a fishing pole but fun to look at!</div>
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She was so content in the water! She fell asleep sitting up in the peddle boat once! <br />
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Ah yes, our ill fated journey to Glacier National Park. It may not have lasted long but at least we got this great picture! </div>
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This was the point where we decided to turn around. We had been planning on hiking, but the weather was just too wet and cold. I was starting to get too carsick from all the driving, and I knew that faced with a drive back there was no way we could keep going. We did stop at Avalanche creek on the way out for a photo op! The Avalanche are promoting an "Avs All Over" campaign this summer where you take pictures of the Avs logo somewhere you're traveling. I think we found the perfect spot to take a picture with our logo! </div>
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Lauren @ Another mom another blog.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16654266835585358830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6808449337343499696.post-90327875584241771772014-08-02T20:46:00.002-07:002014-08-02T20:46:37.327-07:00Our Vacation Part 1<div style="text-align: justify;">
Today marks exactly one week since I got home from Montana, and although I'm happy to be back in my own bed (and only sharing my bathroom with two other people!) I miss the lake dearly! Even the 16 hour car ride (one way!) doesn't sound so bad right now. ;)</div>
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The trip up there wasn't so bad, and I ended up only having one bad panic attack. I kept myself completely drugged out on Zofran/ Reglan/ Compazine/ Xanax/ Dramamine/ Benadryl and instead of sitting in a seat I laid down a back and middle row seat and made a bed for myself in the back of the car. It is NOT something I recommend and is NOT something I would do again. I ended up flying home!</div>
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I also wore a motion sickness patch prescribed by my doctor, and it ended up causing me to lose my close up vision for a day after I took it off. Anything that was within 2 feet of my face was completely blurry. Having never had a problem with my vision before this totally freaked me out and I was really worried I had done permanent damage to my eyes/ brain from taking so many medications. Luckily it returned and to say I was relieved is the understatement of the century!</div>
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We stayed with N's grandma in her house that is on a bay off of Flathead Lake. Flathead is is the largest natural <span style="color: black;">freshwater lake west of the Mississippi River and is one of the cleanest in the world for it's size/ population </span><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;">(thanks <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flathead_Lake">Wikipedia</a>!)</span> Most people who go to Montana are in awe of their mountains, but being a Coloradoan I found myself in awe of the lake! It was stunningly beautiful and I loved being so close to the water. I've visited a few oceans in my life, but I've never been around such a large body of water when the weather was also warm out. This was truly my first 'big body of water' experience.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black;">We spent the majority of our time just hanging around the bay. N's grandma had a peddle boat, a paddle board, and we all brought pool floats. We also rented a boat one day, and a waverunner on two seperate occasions. N's grandma has both but unfortunately they were both broken this year. Water toys are expensive to keep and maintain!</span></div>
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<span style="color: black;">Without further ado here are the pictures with some additional commentary about what else we did! I'll be splitting this into a few different posts so I don't crash any computers with pictures!</span></div>
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Here is the front of N's grandma's house. This picture was actually taken on my last day there, right as I was about to leave, but it's the only one I have of the front of her house.</div>
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This is going around the side of the house...<br />
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Her backyard!<br />
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This is the view from her dock. Not too shabby!</div>
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I wish I had a better/ closer picture but there were these gorgeous, and gigantic, birds called Osprey's that flew around the lake and would dive to catch fish. They were so majestic! I loved watching them and all of the swallows that were flying around.</div>
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On this day we rented a pontoon boat to drive to a place called Wild Horse Island, which is an island on the lake which is home to- you guessed it- wild horses! Unfortunately we didn't venture onto the island very much which is a shame because I hear it's got amazing hiking trails, but we did have some fun in a little cove!</div>
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I wish this picture was closer up but the look on R's face is so sweet! R and her cousins share the sweetest bond. The boys (the little girl pictured, who is also totally sweet and amazing to her, is the daughter of my SIL's boyfriend) are so good to R, even though she's totally crazy!</div>
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R was a champ on the boat! She sat at the very front with her cousins while I sat in the back. She sat with me on the way home and slept the entire way. It was a good thing because the water had gotten really choppy and everyone who was up front got soaked many times over! </div>
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The cove at Wild Horse Island.<br />
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The beach was made out of the smoothest river rocks. I kept so many because I couldn't believe how perfectly smooth they were!</div>
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N pulled people around on the "dorito" floaty behind the boat. It looked like a blast but I didn't try it out of fear/ the fact that I can't jiggle my stimulator too much. </div>
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R stayed on shore with me and refused to ride on her turtle, opting to "take care of it." She just walked it gently up and down the beach, it was too funny. <br />
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Lauren @ Another mom another blog.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16654266835585358830noreply@blogger.com0