Recovery

After a week of low-calorie clear liquids, the first thing I wanted to do when I got home from the hospital was have a giant bowl of creamy soup and a milkshake. Unfortunately this plan did not work out very well. I'm not sure if it's dairy, sugar, or just the fact that I'm putting anything in my GI system, but eating or drinking anything (except for water and green tea) almost immediately makes me feel awful. It's possible that I have in fact developed dumping syndrome, but my digestive system is still healing so a lot of wacky things might be happening now that might now happen in the future. I refuse to have any hope though.

I'm so burned out on broth and jello that I've been mostly drinking smoothies lately- with varying success. My food intake has been averaging one smoothie a day plus water (plus iced tea when someone brings me it) and therefore I have very little energy/ motivation/ will to live. I need to pick up some instant breakfast shakes (I refuse to ever have Atkins, Ensure, or Boost ever again) and see if I can get some calories that way. I've lost 10lbs since surgery and trust me, this is the worst diet ever. I would gain many, many pounds in exchange for a normal digestive system.

I'm not sure if the fact that I literally can't eat real food makes things psychologically harder or easier than when I was on the pre-op diet. I'm actually leaning towards harder because I know that no matter how hungry I get, there are very few things I can actually ingest. A few nights ago I got desperate and ate a chip. I made sure to ground it into mush in my mouth before swallowing it, thinking that was good enough and IT WAS THE WORST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE. (Only slight hyperbole.)

I believe that the chip mush got stuck in my wrap (the bottom part of my esophagus that they wrapped my stomach around) and the pain was horrifying. I actually considered going to the hospital. The best way to describe it is someone wildly stabbing you in the stomach over and over, in really intense waves. What my body really wanted to do was vomit the chip mush back up, but because this surgery has made my body unable to vomit all I could do was gag and dry heave all the while my mouth was watering profusely. I had done a stupid, bad thing and I paid for it dearly. I do not want to make that mistake every again.

Unfortunately I think the chip incident has damaged my wrap a little, and set my healing process behind. I've had reflux the past two nights which has been really concerning. And then last night I tried to eat very mushy (and very thoroughly chewed) scrambled eggs and I was hit with the same stabbing pains. Luckily I didn't start gagging and heaving again. The eggs tasted so good but I just couldn't get them down. I gave the plate back to N crying. I've been doing a lot of crying lately.

I've been asking myself again and again if it's been worth it. I got these surgeries in order to be able to eat without nausea, bloating, and constipation. But right now I can't eat at all without some nausea, a lot of pain, and the opposite of bowel issues. The difference now is that I physically can't eat things that make me suffer (to an extent, i.e. chipgate 2014)- something that I used to do every day.

I have a long, long couple of months ahead of me and if I don't stab anybody at the various Christmas dinners we attend it's really going to be a Christmas miracle. Be thankful if your body has the ability to eat, digest, and expel food properly. I wasn't. And you never know what you have until it's gone.