So What Wednesdays

Today I'm linking up with Life After I "Dew"* and saying so what if...
*I know Shannon hasn't posted this linkup in awhile (my heart goes out to her as the mother of a baby that cried 24/7) but I wanted to do it anyway.
- R's comforter came today and I HATE IT. Serious sad face. I didn't realize there were only ruffles at the bottom of it, not all over it. There's also a random stain on the bedspread and on the pillowcase it came with. Nothing I can't bleach out but still, uggh. Why can't I just be rich and afford the things I really want?! ;)
- R's recital is officially sold out and only N and I have tickets. None of the grandparents got them in time and everyone is bummed. The dance teacher is trying to see what she can do to maybe do two performances (one in the morning and one at night- I'd try to get R in both), and I feel for her frustration. It's hard to please everyone!
-  I am dreading having to paint R's room. It a pretty dark color of green so lord only knows how many coats of primer we're going to need. And my rainbow chevron idea? Well, N might kill me, and I might kill myself, but I am determined to get it done.

- The bathroom is leaking somewhere and it's getting bad. Since we're not doing the kitchen right now (so many sad faces) we really need to focus on fixing the bathroom before some serious damage occurs. If it hasn't already. But all N does when he's not working is work on projects around here and I know it sucks for him.

- Because speaking of crappy projects that never want to get done, he finally put the new transmission in the red Commander and last night it wouldn't work right. If the company he bought it from sold him a faulty tranny I am going to be beyond pissed. Yeah they might replace it just fine but the labor he put into that is not replaceable. Neither of us want him to have to do it again. -_-

- My phone upgrade is this week! The screen on my Razr Maxx is so broken you can see the motherboard showing through, but I really don't want to spend money on a new phone right now. I've also been planing on switiching from Motorola to Samsung and I'm kind of getting cold feet about it. N and my mom both have Galaxies (s3 and s4 respectively) and they love them, but uggh uggh uggh FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS!

- I've really over-done my activity level the past few days and last night I was in more pain than I was in right after my surgery. After hours of excruciating pain (and crying to N, telling him I was going to rip my pacer out right then and there in bed) I broke down and took one of the Dilaudid pills I was given. Big mistake. The pain subsided but I was so nauseous, dizzy (even though I was laying down!), and sweaty that I kept waking up about every 20 minutes feeling like I was going to die. Do they purposely make opiates make you feel like crap so you don't get addicted to them? Yuck.
- I am estatic today is the last day of April. It has been a terrible month!


Tuesday Troubles

Stolen (with permission!) from Jen at Ramblings of a Suburban Mom!

- WTF AVS? I AM TIRED OF THIS ROLLERCOASTER. I have nothing more to say to you.

-  Have I ever told you the tragic Tale of Two Rugs?

Once upon a time a suburban housewife was browsing Zulily when what did she spy but the absolute, most greatest, most perfect-est rugs for her house! They were the exact color grey she was looking for and best of all? She could get one in chevron and one in trellis! They would match without being identical and her entire bottom level would be tied together stylishly. The price (less than $200 a rug!) was almost too good to be true and she pressed the order button immediately, having not the forethought to consider what her husband's opinion would be of her purchase.

She waited anxiously for them to arrive- it almost seemed that they never would as it takes Zulily, on average, three years to ship something. But one fateful day her postman left her two long packages and she was thrilled! Finally everything would look alright in the house! She could take pictures for her blog and people would "oooh" and "ahhh"! The plastic wrapping was on tight and she had to stab the rugs as if she were in a horror movie to loose them from their packing bondage. And that's when she noticed the first rug... was YELLOW. Not the grey that had been ordered. Determined for at least thing to go right unwrapped the other one... And it was fraying! Aschewing the fainting couch, the wife ran to her computer and wrote Zulily a hasty e-mail.

Mere days later new rugs were delivered and the old ones taken away, and you'd think that'd be happily ever after right?! NOPE! You see, the wife had a very sweet, but very naughty puppy, who was basically as large as a house. One day this puppy, aided by his best friend the naughty toddler, decided to gnaw on one of the rugs, unraveling it as far as the eye could see! Crying, but without maiming either puppy or toddler, the wife haphazardly hot glued the rug back together and placed it going the opposite direction so that the damage would not be as noticeable.

But this, and an entire can of bitter apple spray, did not daunt the puppy. Soon he unraveled the other side of the first rug, and then both sides of the other rug! They were past the point of salvage, and as she pointed out to her husband that said they were "fine", the cream colored parts had also gotten unclean-ably dirty. There was nothing else she could do but toss them. And she did through tears of anger. Tears that tasted bitter like the perfect decorating opportunity wasted. The wife swore off rugs for good but her arch-nemesis non-textured-laminiate-flooring swayed her before she knew she was ready. Perhaps before she was fully done grieving, but the world always keeps working. Target always keeps making amazing things and selling them at amazing prices. And the wife always knew this.
And hopefully everything will be right in the world again.

(But don't worry, the saga hasn't ended yet! When choosing the "ship to store" option the wife somehow close for each rug to go to different stores!)

- R has taken to screaming/ crying "MY LEGS ARE BROKEN" when she doesn't want to do something/ do something alone. If she's really milking it she'll go "GO TO THE HOSPATAL, GET DEM CUT OFF!" (This is all the fault of her taking N's sarcasm literally.) But when I offer her Skittles? Oh those pretty little legs work just fine! We both feel like we're tricking each other here. And we both feel like we're winning but I'm pretty sure we're both actually losing. Skittles are a strange mistress.
- I finally ordered the bookcase for R's room yesterday and I'm meh about it but I needed to get it done. I got this one from Wayfair:

And it's not perfect but it'll do. Seriously how hard is it to find a bookcase that is half closed drawers, half glass drawers? There was a pretty nice on on Ikea but for $350 helllll nooooo. The doors on this slide which is annoying but it's mostly going to be for her keepsakes that I'm never going to be able to throw away (and she already has two huge shelves full of.) So god help us all I guess!!! (FWP)

- My first post-op doctor's appointment is next Monday and I'm hoping they can turn up my pacer and in doing so I'll start to get some relief. Because I still feel really shitty right now, with the addition of the feeling of a large weight buried in my abdomen, and I'm grumpy.

- I'm at a week post op and the IV bruises on my arms are gnarly than ever. I look like a serious needle drug user. It is BAD.

- I should do stuff this week but I will likely do no stuff re: pain. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


There is progress in the "big girl" room!

We decided to take the side off R's crib a few weeks ago, and every night she has fallen out of it, and almost every night she has ended up in our bed because of it. Since it was a windy, rainy day today and N didn't want to be in the garage to finish fixing the red Commander, he decided we might as well set up the furniture in R's room and get her some mattresses.

I had originally wanted to put it all together at once so it'd be a grand birthday surprise, but life just about never pans out that neatly. ;) In the end, she's only three, and each new phase to her room is going to be a fun surprise so I put my own issues aside and decided to do things in stages.

First I cleaned all her old nursery furniture and listed it on Craigslist. It's in pretty rough shape (it was cheap Walmart stuff to being with) but I think the price is fair ($75 for crib, changing table, dresser, nightstand, and mattress) so I hope it moves ASAP. Because right now it's living in our front room and it's already gotten old. I also put her crib bedding set up for sale which made me sad, but I'll be happy if another sweet baby gets some good use out of it.

After getting everything but her dresser cleaned out of her room (her dresser has her very heavy [and stupid] fish tank on it so that's a project in itself), N set up her bed and console table (that her fish tank is going to go on.) He moved the mattress and bed spring but had to run to hockey, so I set up the nightstand myself. Let me tell you, it was hard work. I had to physically take it out of the box and remove the packing materials. And then I had to place it where it needed to go. ;)

I also put the contact paper on the console table so it'd be ready for the fish tank. I found a great pink chevron pattern (yes, I have a problem) on Zulily and luckily it didn't take 6 months to ship. Just one. I'm debating covering the bottom of the console table and the top and inside of the nightstand. I have plenty of extras so I guess I'll keep it around and see if I ever get the bee up my butt.

Today at Target we bought her a light for her bedside table which I don't love but whatever, and a very cute sheet set that I actually like a lot more than what I had picked out at Land of Nod. Also, I buy it and possess it immediately which helped.

They're these pink, chevron sheets from Target:

And I'll probably grab a few more sets next time I'm at Target because having one pair of sheets for a toddler bed is basically Russian Roulette.

I also went ahead and ordered a hideaway bed rail, and a comforter/ bed skirt. Again, as much as I loved the Land of Nod stuff it was just too expensive to be practical. So I ordered these off Amazon and plan on never looking at the Land of Nod Site again:


I'm thinking about her canopy right now so I ordered tulle in red, (they were out of orange), yellow, green, blue, and purple from fabric.com. I think I'm going to make a valance canopy as opposed to a hoop one, and so I also bought this gorgeous, white, minky fabric to cover the box.

I bought 2 yards with the lofty hope of also making a throw pillow. You'll have to wish me a lot of luck to pull that off with my sewing skills. ;)
I'm still considering and reconsidering bookcases and right now I hate everything but you know.
So here are the pictures I have of the actual room so far. They aren't great quality because it's night, R is running around (nude), and I'm still really shaky from surgery, but just in case you're curious...

Sunday Social


1. What is your biggest driving pet peeve? People who don't use their blinkers while driving. Seriously, it is NOT that hard! Also, anyone who is driving exactly the speed limit or any under while in the fast lane. MOVE.

2. What is your biggest blogging pet peeve? Reviews that don't sound authentic! I found this great looking subscription box blog, but every review was written like it came straight from the manufacturer. I know it's possible to like a lot of stuff, but not everything, and the way these "reviews" were written didn't sound even the least bit genuine. It was a total disappointment.

3. What is your biggest shopping pet peeve? When I go into a store and need help from a sales person and am never approached! It's usually always the opposite so when I can't get anyone to help me it feels especially frustrating. Having worked in retail (something everyone should have to do at some point in their lives) I know what it feels like to be yelled at for not bugging customers enough, and what it feels like to not make money or not be scheduled for not selling enough, so I'm fine with letting the employees do their job. If you don't want to deal with that shop online! :)

4. What is your biggest general pet peeve? Constant noises. Whistling, humming, drumming, snoring, breathing loud, etc. It just drives me insane.

5. What is your most irrational fear? I definitely have a lot of fears, but I'd say most aren't irrational. My most "irrational" fear is my vomit phobia- simply because it's a phobia and therefore irrational.

P.S. :D


F#!% It Friday


- I woke up in my own bed today and it felt glorious! I think N might have been more excited than me actually- the couch he slept on for two nights at the hospital looked even worse than my hospital bed! But we're both home now and that's all that matters. I'm trying to put all my positive thoughts into the functioning of this neurostimulator because I don't want to have surgery again for a long, long time.

Today I decided to try and rejoin the world of the living, at least a little bit, and I brushed my hair and put on makeup for the first time in a week (well, the latter was the first time in a week- I brushed my hair a few other times this week, haha.) I've been really shaky so I actually ended up looking even crazier than normal but what are you going to do.

I even sat outside today while N helped his best friend Travis work on Travis' Camaro. Unfortunately our friend Sean passed away earlier this week, so Travis and his family drove out from New Mexico (he's currently in the Air Force) to attend the motorcycle/ car ride and funeral. It was great to see Travis and one of my favorite ladies, his wife Courtney, but I wish it was under happier circumstances. N was going to drive his Camaro but on a whim he sold the wheels and tires off it last week in order to get new ones, and only two wheels showed up today. He's going to drive his mom's Camaro (she also has a '67 but hers is an RS/ SS, i.e. much nicer than ours.)

I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to make it tomorrow because I'm still feel pretty crappy. I had another episode of bile reflux today but luckily it didn't turn into bile vomiting (at least yet, knock on all the wood in the world.) I haven't started my new diet yet because we've been so busy, but I think I probably need to because I should be eating very little fat with my pylorus slightly open right now. That didn't stop me from eating Panera's mac and cheese for dinner though.

- In other news I am completely pissed off at the Avalanche and don't even want to talk about it.

- In better news I got the most amazing care package ever from my friend Sandie (she just started her own blog, you have to check it out!) who lives in Canada. She sent me two of the most gorgeous indie polishes along with some tools, and tons and tons of Canadian candy! Did you know "Smarties" are different in Canada and waaay better than ours? True story.

- My MIL and her husband also stopped by to check on me! They brought me the most beautiful gerbera daisy I've ever seen and put it in this awesome old liquor bottle with a kraken on it! I sort of want a kraken tattoo. I can already see N saying no.

- I took my lip stud out when I went into surgery on Monday and I lost the top of it when I got out of surgery and tried to put it back in. I didn't think it'd close because I go years between wearing earrings and my ears have never closed but no dice, it is completely healed up. I'm not sure if I want to spend the money to get it done again but I probably will. I also want my nose pierced. N is thrilled.

- My arms are so bruised right now- I look like a hardcore drug addict. For some reason my veins didn't want to cooperate this week, and it took 5 pokes to get the first IV in, and then I had to get a new IV put in a few days later because the first was hurting so much. I should probably be wearing long sleeves in public.

- Ok I just finished this entry with only a few more hours left in Friday but what are you going to do. Hopefully I'll have some more substantial posts up sooner than later- and N and I need to get R's new room going!


I am home!

FINALLY! What should have really been one night in the hospital turned into three full days and three nights and I have never wanted to leave somewhere so badly before. I went 72+ hours without seeing R and hated every minute of it. Here's a brief summary of what went down:

Monday: I decided that there was no reason for my mom to watch R because I was very sure that I'd only be having an overnight stay, and I thought I'd be able to handle everything on my own. However she was there when N dropped me off at the hospital (he then took R home for awhile and to his mom's house for the day) to wait with me in pre-op, and she also waited during my surgery to see how everything went.

At first the procedures looked like they'd been successful. I came out of the anesthesia just fine but had to wait a while for a room to open on the recovery floor. When I finally made it up there the nurses put diloted and nausea meds in my IV, and I was pretty out if it all night. But I was eating and able to maneuver out of bed myself- I thought I was doing well. N had come by to be with me but he had to leave around 9pm to pick R up from his mom's house.

I thought I'd be fine at night on my own, and the nurses were all great, but after this random guy walked into my room at 2am- he told me he was blind, which the nurse later said he wasn't- I got really freaked out and started having a panic attack. Even though I have a prescription for Ativan nobody would give me any. I begged N to drop off R at my mom's as soon as possible so he could come be with me. He showed up around 6am, and by this time my nausea was out of control, and I needed his presence more than ever!

Tuesday: A few hours after N showed up I started getting the most intense reflux feeling I've ever had. I can always feel my reflux, but this was different, and I knew that I needed to get to a toilet ASAP. I had about 5 episodes of extremely violent vomiting, and was throwing up mostly bile, and then blood, and then some stuff from my intestines. The nurses would give me IV nausea meds between episodes but the meds didn't do anything. It was at this point I knew there was something wrong with the stent and I wanted to see my doctor immediately.

Unfortunately he had the day off and his partner was supposed to make the rounds but he never came to see me. The nurses ended up giving me what's called a "GI cocktail" which is made up of antacids, pain meds, and nausea meds and I stopped throwing up. That was the only time I had pain meds after Monday. My mom kept R overnight so N could stay with me and I was very thankful. I was a mess all night and the IV nausea meds weren't doing much.

Wednesday: I had the nurses page my doctor as soon as I woke up for the day, and I told them there was something wrong with my stent- I just knew it. I was wheeled down for an x-ray and it did now that my stent was out of place. My stomach was basically like GTFO. Before my doctor came to see me he wanted me to have another x-Ray done; this time where I'd swallow fluid so he could see if it'd pass the shunt. I was wheeled down to radiology again, crying hysterically and shaking. I basically cried hysterically all day. When the x-Ray techs brought me the stuff to drink I couldn't barely take more than a few sips because it was so nasty. I know I was being a pain, but I really didn't want to vomit bile all over their nice machines. Luckily my doctor had come to the x-Ray room and I told him I wanted the stent out ASAP. He said that'd be fine and would take it out after his next operation.

I went back up to my room while I waited for a pre-op nurse to get me, and N was allowed to stay in the pre-op room with me. By this point I was just a hot mess. Crying, shaking, panicking, and literally looking like a "Meth: Not even once" commercial. After what felt like forever, I was put back under and they took the stent out. My doctor said my stomach was trying to push it out or something, which is actually good news because it means my stomach isn't super paralyzed.

I spent an hour and a half recovering from the anesthesia (which I came out of just fine) before I was wheeled back up to my room. I definitely felt some instant relief after having the stent out, and I  even had a little bit to eat, and showered (which I DESPERATELY needed!) I tried to soldier through the night with no nausea meds, so they'd know I was ok to go home in the morning, but I ended up breaking down around 2am, after hearing the guy in the room next to me get violently ill. I asked for something for anxiety too and they still wouldn't give me Ativan they gave me some Benadryl which knocked me out for a couple hours. After I looked it up I saw that I should have NEVER been given Benadryl because it interacts with the anti-depressant I'm taking, but I didn't die so that was good. My mom watched R overnight again so N could stay with me and I was very thankful again.

Thursday: As soon as I woke up I told the new morning nurse I wanted to be discharged as quickly as possible. She said we'd have to wait for my doctor to come by and see me which made me worried (I had no idea when he'd show up) but luckily he came by early and gave me the green light to go. I didn't even wait for them to find me a wheelchair, we just booked it out of there.

I have never been so excited to see my home, my bed, or my baby. I'm actually in bed rig now typing this, and I'm still feeling pretty woozy and nauseous, but at least I'm home. I haven't eaten much in this past week so I need to recover some strength, and of course my incisions are still very sore and itchy.

My doctor told me he turned up my stimulator relatively high so that I shouldn't need an adjustment for awhile. I'm not feeling it doing anything yet but I'm not going to jump to any conclusions just three days after it was put in. I am definitely anxious to feel better though.

For right now I'm just glad to be home. All things considered what I went through wasn't so bad, but if feel physically and emotionally drained right now. Hopefully all goes well with the stimulator so I don't need surgery again for a long, LONG time!


Still in the hospital!

Hey guys, sorry I forgot to post last night but I was hopped up on painkillers- that unfortunately didn't work and just made me nauseous.


I got a little sleep last night and then got sicker today than I have ever been in my entire life. I spent a few hours throwing up pure stomach acid, bile (did you know bile is neon green?), blood, and whatever was in my small intestines. I haven't taken any pain killers all day because I'd rather be in physical pain than even more nauseous. If I wasn't throwing up I'd definitely have been able to go home.

My doctor had the day off today so his parent was supposed to come see me but he never did. I'm worried the bile barf is from the stent, and I think I'm going to ask them to take it out tomorrow. I don't feel the pacemaker doing anything right now which is probably a good sign. I don't know when they're going to increase it's frequency. It could take up to a year for it to really help.

I'm not sure what the rest of tonight or tomorrow is going to bring, but I sure am tired of throwing up so hard the blood vessels in my eyes break, despite being pumped full of IV nausea meds. At least the nurses here have been really nice.

Every moment I stay here I feel dollar signs just flying our the window, but whatever it takes to feel better I guess. I hope my next post will have better news!


Here goes nothing...

It's after midnight and I'm laying in bed wide awake, despite being exhausted. N is sound asleep. He's one of those people who fall asleep mere minutes after their heads hit the pillow. I kind of hate him.

Tonight, like every other night for as long as I can remember, I am too nauseous to fall asleep. I am also so full that my abdomen is more distended than it was at six months pregnant. I feel like I'm going to explode, and the last time I ate was more than six hours ago. I had a small cup of soup. I can still taste every ingredient of it. (I've even taken one of the stomach emptying pills that I shouldn't take anymore.)

Sometimes I wonder if going through with this surgery is going to be worth it. If it's going to be worth it to spend so much money. If it's going to be worth it to cut into my abdominal wall and install a foreign device. To electively face the risks of surgery, and the risks of having a pacemaker. I will not die without this surgery, but I can't keep living the way I'm living. It's not much of a life at all.

Having this surgery does not mean having one surgery. It means having one more if the device needs to be removed, or countless more to refresh the batteries (or deal with defective units.) I will have to be monitored closely for as long as I have the device in me- though my health would likely warrant that anyway.

My life is going to change. I will have the physical scars from this surgery for the rest of my life. There will be a foreign device inside me that may be visible through my skin. And there will be more subtle changes as well. I won't be allowed to run, or bounce, or do any activity that repeatedly jostles my stomach. I won't be allowed on roller coasters, or in MRI machines, and hopefully nobody tries to use a defibrillator machine on me. I'll need to steer clear of theft detection devices, metal detectors, and pretty much everything at the airport. I'll even have to wear a fashionable medical alert bracelet everywhere I go. I also should NOT get pregnant, but thankfully I don't plan on getting pregnant ever again.

But all of this will be worth it, it will be worth it a thousand times over, if the device helps. If I can live without the debilitating feeling of chronic nausea. The surgery will not cure my GP, but any symptom reduction is priceless. And I'd rather not think about what the monetary price is going to be.

By the time you read this I'll (hopefully) be in surgery. No, I'm not psychic, but I am scheduling this post for 10am mountain time, and my surgery is scheduled for 9:30. If all goes well I will try and write a quick update tomorrow night. You can also look for me on Facebook and (my new) Instagram.

I guess I'll see you on the other side!


P.S. GO AVS! (And god help this hospital if they don't carry the Av's channel!)


Sunday Social


1. 5 songs you’ll listen to the rest of your life:

- Taking Back Sunday - You Know How I Do
- Brand New - Ok, I Believe You But My Tommy Gun Don't
- The Postal Service - The District Sleeps Alone Tonight
- Blink 182 - All The Small Things (Such a good video!)
- Jimmy Eat World - The Middle (Also a good video!)

2. 5 things on your bucket list:

- Visit somewhere tropical
- Get corner, glass seats to an Avs game
- Publish something
- Work on a political campaign (have to use my degree somehow!)
- See Brand New in concert

3. 5 celeb you’d love to hang out with for a day:

- Jennifer Lawrence, duh
- Basically any celebrity chef
- Ian McKellen (preferably with Patrick Stewart!)
- Martha Stewart
- Gabriel Landeskog ;) ;) ;)

4. 5 things you always carry in your purse:

- Phone
- Keys
- Wallet
- Nausea Meds
- Sometimes makeup

5. 5 books on your reading list

- Everything left on my Conquering the Classics list...

6. Share the last 5 pictures on your phone:



P.S. We don't really celebrate it, but to those who do, Happy Easter!

Subscriptions: Birchbox April 2014 Review



F#!% It Friday

- First things first: HOW ABOUT THEM AVS?!

At the end of the second period the Avs were down 2-4 and I thought for sure the game was over. I went upstairs to pee and decided to sit down on my bed for *just a minute* and ended up passing out cold. I could hear N screaming downstairs but it wasn't until he came up shouting "THEY WON! THEY WON!" that I was roused. I can't believe I missed all the good parts! But then again, maybe me stepping away from the TV was a reverse jinx? It's only weird if it doesn't work, right?

- We finally got our tax refund back yesterday (I had been nagging N to get our stuff to the tax guy since February) and it was half of what we usually get. Because he is a really hard worker, N made enough money last year to bump us into the next tax bracket- which means the government gets to take even more of our money! Hooray! Because of this we're going to wait on the kitchen cabinets. I am definitely bummed out. I bought a new rug for the office/ playroom today to make myself feel better.

-  I bought Hank a head collar because he has become impossible to walk. It's not that he's a particularly badly behaved dog, but at 110lbs (and growing!) any sudden movement yanks my shoulder out of it's socket. The combination of his puppy exuberance and massive size is just too much for me to deal with when he's on a leash. I'm glad there's a 69 acre dog park practically in our backyard, but he needs to learn how to walk on a lead.

- I also bought some new Bath and Body Works three wick candles. I just finished off my Cinnamon Doughnut candle and wanted to get another one, but they were all out of the three wick ones. I bought the last three little jar candles they had in that scent, and then got three wick candles in Vanilla Lavender and Coconut Leaves. They smell like summer and I am ready for it!

- I really need to get back to my classics reading list while I'm in the hospital and recovering. I finished the last book in the Divergent series last week and holy shit, I have never been so livid at a book in my life. I could hardly sleep the rest of the night because I was so pissed off. I have never said this about a book before, and I have read a lot of terrible books, but I wish I could go back in time and not read it. I wish I could literally erase it from my brain. I found a review online that perfectly surmises my feelings regarding the ending here (obvious spoilers.) Uggh I can't even think about it anymore.

- I need to pack a bag for the hospital this weekend and it's weird to think about packing a "hospital bag" when I'm not giving birth! I've only stayed the night in a hospital twice; after getting my appendix out (and I didn't pre-pack for that!) and after giving birth. I think the pain and recovery from this is going to be in the middle of those two incidents. At least, I hope so!

- R has dance again tomorrow and I'm hoping it goes better than Wednesday. On Wednesday she started crying and refused to go in. She told me she wanted to go home and go to sleep! So I took her home without her even stepping foot in the studio which made me mad, but she did go home and sleep (after a lot of crying of course.) She's growing right now and woke up screaming last night with leg cramps, but I really wish she'd just be in a better mood all the time. It really grates on me.

- Well it's 1:30 in the morning right now and I should really try and get to sleep. Nausea-insomnia has been a real pain to deal with. Here's hoping I get some better nights sleeps with the pacer!


Subscriptions: Bonjour Jolie April 2014 Review


Subscriptions: Ipsy April 2014 Review

Tuesday Troubles

Stolen (with permission!) from Jen at Ramblings of a Suburban Mom!

- So I have to start with very exciting news (well, for a parent anyway) that is the opposite of a trouble: Since we're going to be setting up R's "big girl room" in a few weeks, N decided yesterday that it was time to take the side off her crib to see how she'd fare. Well not only did she put herself to bed last night- and slept through the night after falling out of the bed onto the floor- but she also woke up dry! This was especially great because having fallen asleep on her own, we had forgotten to put a Pull Up on her. I can't believe how much she's growing up!

- Ok on to the troubles: This morning while R and I were snuggling in bed someone started knocking at our door. I figured it was solicitors so I ignored it. We get a LOT of obnoxious sales people in our neighborhood. It went on for awhile though, so I finally put clothes on and went downstairs, but by that time the person was gone. I decided to look out in our backyard, and what did I see? Well, what did I NOT see- Hank! I grabbed R and we went outside and called for him, and that big, dumb dog came loping down the street like he was supposed to be running around outside.

I put him inside and after a few minutes the neighbor from up the street (the person who had been knocking) and I thanked him for trying, even unsuccessfully, to rouse us. How embarrassing! This is the second time Hank has decided to take a tour of the neighborhood on trash day, he must like the sound of the trucks! The last time he did it was many months ago and we barricaded our back gate, but last week I used to gate to get into the yard and accidentally left the door ajar. He's definitely not a particularly naughty dog, and he's not an escape artist if we're around, but he's so big and conspicuous that if he decides to go out for a stroll the entire neighborhood sees him! Oh Hank!

- I got a few cavities filled yesterday (the joys of acid reflux!) and my jaw hurt SO bad yesterday when the numbing shots wore off that I decided to sleep the rest of the day. (I woke up for the blood moon though!) It still really hurts today and I'm not allowed to take any pain relief medication until my surgery.

- And speaking of my surgery, it's in six days! I can't believe it's less than a week away and I'm starting to get really, really nervous. Expect a post on that sooner or later.

- The NHL playoffs start tomorrow, and the first Avs game is on Thursday. The ended up getting home ice, which means I *could* go to a game before my surgery, but N and I decided that we just shouldn't spend that kind of money right now. I'm going to be a ball of nerves all week and I know I won't be able to fully enjoy the experience anyway. I've been saying that if we make it to the second round I'll find a way for someone to wheelchair me to a game if need be, haha.

- What happened to mailboxes that you could put outgoing packages into? You know, like the blue ones in front of the post office or grocery store? Would it really be so hard to put one of those in a neighborhood? The outgoing mailbox in my neighborhood (and my group of mailboxes doesn't even have one!) is so skinny you can't even put a stack of letters through it. I just want to be able to mail out my padded envelopes without driving all the way to the post office, uggh!

-  I guess it's time to put on clothes and drive to the post office. Putting on pants is always a trouble. ;)


And that's a wrap!

If you've been wondering about the radio silence, it's because I've been preparing for (and having) R's birthday party! We just got back from my parents house a few hours ago and I am totally exhausted. Kid birthday parties are always much more work than you think they'll be- especially if you have them at home.

It's been a tough couple of weeks health-wise (I've had a could this week as well), and I really wasn't sure if I was going to be able to pull this off. I ended up deciding to just let a lot of things go. I didn't make all the treats myself, I didn't make R a tutu (she never wears them anyway), and I tried not to be a total perfectionist about the decorations. Of course I was still completely stressed out, but that's unavoidable.

The stress really started at the beginning of the week when I saw what the forecast was supposed to be for today. April has been absolutely gorgeous in Colorado so far. Yesterday was 70 degrees, and the day before it hit 80! So what did the weather do today? SNOWED LIKE CRAZY. It's actually still snowing right now.

In a panic I e-mailed the pony/ petting zoo people and asked if we'd be alright and thankfully they said they show up in any weather. We lucked out in that my parents have a large garage and we were able to set up the petting zoo in there, and the old pony (the handlers said he was 18 years old!) didn't seem to have a problem taking kids down the driveway and up the street in the snow. Luckily it was bitter cold, just very wet. And everyone was able to warm up with the hot taco bar!

I was so busy this morning doing some finishing touches and getting ready myself that I didn't get any pictures of the party set up. Pretty much the entire reason I decorated was to get pictures for here, but what are you going to do, haha. I did however get a couple of other pictures, so without further ado...


Safety, motherhood, and learning from your mistakes.

I am one of "those moms" who is extra concerned with car seat safety. I don't usually call people out directly because in most cases you can't tell whether the car was moving or not, or what the exact situation was. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I cringe at pictures of kids in clearly unsafe situations. I occasional share car seat safety FYIs on social media, I will never apologize for that.

When R was a baby I did plenty of things wrong. I used aftermarket strap pads, I put her seat on shopping carts, and I'm sure she her chest clip wasn't always at nipple level and that her straps were sometimes too loose. But people pointed out my mistakes and instead of getting offended, I learned from them. Because nothing concerns me more than R's safety, especially in the car.

December 21, 2007 started out as as a beautiful day. It was unusually warm for December, and the snow that was already on the ground was turning to slush and melting away. I even wore flip flops! I had the day off work but was asked to do a "hand transfer" to a mall about 45 minutes away. I drove up to the other mall, and my mom met me there to do some Christmas shopping. When we walked out of the mall's doors we were met with completely different weather. The temperature had quickly dropped below freezing and it had started to snow. I drove with my mom back to her house, and then decided to leave before the weather got any worse. I asked her if she'd drive me home because I was nervous, but she told me I lived too far away.

As I was leaving my mom's neighborhood I noticed all sorts of cars slipping and sliding all over the road. The quick and dramatic drop in temperature had caused all the slush on the road to turn to ice. I laughed at all the people who clearly couldn't drive in the snow, and felt confident in my driving abilities, and in the huge 4WD tank that I was driving. (DRAMATIC IRONY.) Back then I had a bad habit of not wearing a seat belt when I drove, but something on this day told me I should wear one. I buckled up at a stoplight I almost slid through.

The major road to my house was a sketchy one- even in good weather. There has been no shortage of deaths on it, including that of a boy I graduated high school with. It's a very busy road but it's only two lanes in most sections, and at the time the section I was driving on didn't have any shoulder before a small drop off.

I was only a few minutes from my apartment when the passenger side tires of my car slipped off the road. I don't remember the following events very clearly, but I do know that I did not overcorrect. I've never overcorrected before, it's just not my first reaction to sliding on snow/ ice. But for some reason when I brought my car back up onto the road it just kicked straight forward- straight into the other lane- head on into another car.

My dog, a tiny puppy at the time (a Pomeranian), was sitting on the passenger seat. But as the car started to slide he jumped into the driver's seat, and I scooted forward so he could be behind my back- so I could protect him. This all happened in a fraction of a second, it was some sort of miracle. After the cars collided he started yelping, but he was not hurt. I remember that my radio kept playing for a few seconds, and I kept trying to turn the car off, but there were no keys in the ignition. N would later find them in the back seat, thrown from the force of the collision. After a few seconds a large puff of steam escaped the crumpled hood and the radio turned off. My poor car had gone to car heaven.

I was in a daze (I had been concussed) but I noticed the large group of people gathered outside my car, looking at me with terrified faces. Someone was on the phone (presumably with 911) looking very nervous and distraught. I didn't think to try and get out of my car, I knew that the accident had been my fault, and I figured I should just wait in my car until the cops came to arrest me.

Suddenly someone was tugging frantically at my door, but it wouldn't open. Have you ever heard that panicked people can find the strength to flip over cars? Well whoever was trying to get me out found a similar strength and was able to pry the door behind me open. After the two company closed it we could never get it to open again- and N is very strong!

When they got the door open they called for me to climb out, and my dog happily bounded into the backseat to greet these strangers. I climbed over the seats and out and they walked me to their car. They had dogs in their car too, and my dog was over the moon. They sat me in their passenger seat and gave me a sip of water to drink. I wasn't particularly thirsty but I drank it away. There was a terrible taste in my mouth. They had just found a first aid kit when the ambulance showed up. I'll never forget the EMT saying to me, "Does your neck hurt at all? Because if your neck hurts we're going to have to cut your shirt off and put you on this backboard!" My whole body hurt but I said my neck felt fine because having my shirt cut off sounded terrible. The paramedics laid me on a stretcher and carried me into the ambulance. The last thing I saw before they closed the ambulance door was my puppy, poking his head out of the coat of a firefighter.

I never ended up finding out the names of the people who helped me. It's one of my biggest regrets.

We tried traveling back up the road to get to Littleton Hospital (the same hospital R was born at!), but because of the weather a semi had gotten high-centered on the road and was completely blocking traffic both ways. We had to turn around to go to another hospital (only slightly further away) and because of the weather and the traffic it took us 3 hours to get there. On a regular day it would have taken maybe 15 minutes. After assessing my injuries the paramedic wasn't too worried about getting the hospital ASAP. He told me that after receiving the information about the accident they were going to send a flight for life helicopter, but it had been too cold. He said he had expected to see something terrible, and that he was relieved.

I was hysterical. I couldn't stop crying and asking the paramedic if he thought my car was salvageable. It was my first car, my dream car for many years, and I had only had it a few months. The poor guy told me he wasn't sure, but maybe. It was a noble lie. I also asked about the driver of the other car. I wasn't sure if I could ever live with myself if I had hurt someone, even if it was by accident. He told me that the other driver was fine, and denied all medical treatment at the scene. Knowing this made me feel much better, but I couldn't stifle the sobs that kept coming on in involuntary fits. But the paramedic was so kind, and told me all kinds of stories to help keep me calm. He put a blanket on my cold feet and said he could never understand why some girls liked to wear flip flops all year long.

I'll never forget when the paramedic used my phone to call my mom. When he said "Hi this is such and such paramedic and I'm with your daughter, she's been in a serious car accident" I knew my mom was living a nightmare. She told me later that she could hear me crying in the background and that it made her feel better. She called N right after and he left work immediately. He told me later that he cried when he got in his car.

When I got the hospital my dad met me at the ambulance entrance. We hadn't talked to each other in more than 9 months and I was surprised to see him there. It was a major stepping stone to help mend our relationship. My dad told me my mom was in the lobby calling the vet where my dog was. I was thankful! When N got to the hospital he found my mom and they both came back to find my dad and I in the ER. The paramedic had told me in the ambulance that my face was split and that I was going to need stitches- the first stitched I'd ever get!

There was a plastic surgeon on hand and he came in to do my stitches. I will never, ever forget the pain of him injecting anesthetic into the cut open area right under my nose. It was the most intense pain I've ever felt in my life. Worse than my appendix about to rupture, worse than childbirth, and worse than tattoo removal. And the anesthetic ended up not even working! My dad had one of my hands and N had the other. I remember being shocked at how soft my dad's hands were compared to how rough N's hands were. That's a lawyer vs. a mechanic for you! I just about pulverized all the bones in their hands from squeezing them so hard. The pain of the stitches (I felt everything) was awful.

After the stitches a cop came in to right me a ticket (it was my fault after all, but I plead the careless driving charge down to a defective vehicle one.) I was discharged soon after. As N drove us home I put my head on his shoulders and closed my eyes- I was exhausted. But as soon as I closed my eyes everything started spinning and I started screaming. I thought the car was sliding, but it was just my head. I kept my head up and my eyes open for the rest of the car ride. I was so scared.

When we got home N helped me into the bath. I was covered in blood (faces bleed a LOT) and bruises had already appeared all over my body. My face also completely swelled up. It was like I was wearing a monster mask. When I fell asleep that night I had the first of many nightmares about the accident. Except in every nightmare I've had about the accident I've been in the position of the other driver. I had vivid flashbacks for a long time too, and now I still get them on occasion (and only while driving) but they are less terrifying. Living in Colorado I had to get over my fear of driving in the snow quickly, but I've never been comfortable with it again.

I got lucky in my crash. Lucky that the other driver wasn't hurt, and lucky that my injuries were only minor. A few weeks after my accident there was another accident on the same stretch of road, where the exact same thing happened. A young man crashed head-on into a police officer, and because the officer was in a sedan, both of his legs were crushed. Had my car been any smaller (I was in an SUV and hit another SUV) who knows what could have happened. The same goes for the other driver. It was a totally freak thing to happen, but it did, and it showed me that no matter how good of a driver I thought I was, I wasn't (and am not) invincible. Nobody is.

A few weeks after the accident.
Cars are dangerous. Even the best driver can get in a serious accident, and you can never trust other drivers.
"Here is a sobering truth: every day we lose 4 to 5 children in car crashes. They are the leading cause of death for kids in this country and yet most of us are completely untrained in the best way to keep our kids safe from them: by properly installing a car seat. 'Across the country we find a greater than 95% misuse of car seats,' says Alisa Baer, M.D., a pediatrician and nationally certified child passenger safety instructor (who’s also known as The Car Seat Lady). But, don’t beat yourself up. What looks like just another piece of shiny, plastic baby gear is actually a sophisticated and complicated piece of safety engineering, and sometimes it takes an engineering degree to use it properly." (Source)
Car seat safety is not a joke, and it shouldn't be subject to personal opinion. It's not hard to keep your child as safe as possible in a car.

Last night I posted about a company that sells dangerous car seat covers* on Instagram. Someone that I thought was a friend/ intelligent person told me it was "shady" of me to "try and ruin a company." Calling out a company that sells a product that could KILL AN INFANT is not shady. It is the right thing to do. And I will never stop doing it. Facts are facts and there's nothing wrong with making a mistake so long as you learn from it.

In a car crash your life can change in an instant. It's your responsibility as a parent to do everything you can to keep your child safe in the car. Because you never know what can happen.

*If a car seat product didn't come with your car seat, or come directly from the manufacturer for your specific seat, then you should NOT use it. It is dangerous and will almost always void your warranty. The company I called out sells covers that go over the padding a car seat comes with. These materials will compress in an accident, making it more likely your child will be ejected from their seat. They are also not flame-retardant. There is a reason car seat fabrics aren't super soft and plush. This particular company hides this information from consumers, and sells these covers under the LIE that they "protect your car seat from wear." It is hideously unethical to sell products that endanger the lives of children. Here are some car seat manufacturer's comments about aftermarket products. While it is not illegal to sell these products (and it should be!) it is illegal to use them in some states.


There's no easy way out.

Last week I got a message from my doctor's nurse saying that she had something very important to talk to me about, and that I needed to call her back immediately. When I got a hold of her she asked me if I was still taking Reglan- the (only) medication that empties my stomach. When I told her I have been taking it it every so often she told me that my doctor just got back from a medical conference, and that he learned some "troubling" new information on the drug (there's already a ton of old, troubling info on it.) She said to stop taking it immediately and to talk to my doctor at my pre-op appointment next week.

I've been trying not to take it, and damn has it been hard. I can still take my nausea medicine, but there's a lot more to Gastroparesis than just nausea, and not being able to take Reglan means I'm not digesting much at all. I broke down and took it the other night after I had eaten way too much for dinner. My stomach was so distended that it looked like I was 8 months pregnant, which is uncomfortable and incredibly painful. Without the medication that's just something I have to deal with for hours, and hours on end.

Now that the only medication that helped me is off the table, I need to get more serious about trying to help my condition through my diet. GP isn't a disease, and no dietary changes will cure or heal it. The point of a GP-friendly diet is to try and eat foods that will be easily digested in order to help with the symptoms.

Right now my eating patterns are severely messed up. I try and go as long as possible without eating (and actually feel little hunger during the day) because eating makes me so miserable, and I get so hungry that I get nauseous and weak. At night I often end up binging, and that makes even more nauseous and miserable. I eat whatever sounds appetizing, which is usually something junky, and then I pay for it. I also consume a lot of sugar because it's easy to digest and if I end up burping up the taste of something sugary, it usually isn't completely disgusting. My doctor has recommended eating a few small meals throughout the day and that just makes me feel worse. It means there is ALWAYS food in my stomach and that is an awful feeling.

Lately I've been doing a lot of research into GP "friendly" diets, and it's been a huge downer. I have always been someone who loves to eat, and loves to eat whatever the heck I want. Obviously this condition has drastically changed my ability to do that, and it's something I'm still coming to terms with. I should also note that a GP friendly diet is NOT a healthy diet. The number one tenant of a GP friendly diet is LOW fiber and you know what has lots of fiber? Just about everything healthy. A low FODMAP diet is also recommended, and that list also includes a lot of foods that are very healthy for people without gastrointestinal diseases/ conditions. (I also have to follow specific dietary restrictions- avoiding anything containing tyramine- because I'm on an MAOI medication.)

The other day I cross-referenced all the different diets and came up with foods to avoid and foods to eat. Here is the list of foods to avoid:

All Dairy
Wheat/ Gluten
Rye/ Oats/ Kasha/ Barley/ Quinoa
Brown/ Wild Rice
All Soy Products
Legumes/ Hummus
High Fructose Corn Syrup

Sausage, Pepperoni, Salami

All Dried
All Raw
All Skins
All Citrus
Apple/ Applesauce
Canned Fuit
Coconut (Coconut Milk/ Cream)

Brussle Sprouts
Green Beans
All Peas
Summer Squash

Jams/ Jellies
Pickles/ Relish
Artifical Sweetnesrs
Sauerkraut/ Kimchee
Soy Sauce (Fish Sauce)
Yeast Spreads (Marmite)

So what does that leave? Here is what I came up with as "safe" foods:

Canned Tuna

Fruits (Cooked - No Skins):
Mandarin Orange

Veggies (Cooked - No Skins):
Bamboo Shoots
Bell Peppers
Bok Choy
Butternut/ Winter Squash

Almond/ Rice Milk
Creamy Peanut Butter
Certain Gluten Free Products
Certain Spices (If Tolerated)

*Some people recommend avoiding all meat but I'm not sure I could ever do that.

Out of all the foods on the recommended list, I currently eat just about none on a regular basis. Of course I eat almost all those meats, but usually in conjunction with something else I shouldn't be eating. Like sauce, breadcrumbs, or my favorite no-no, cheese.

Now, let me say here that I am incredibly thankful I can eat food at all. A lot of people with GP completely lose their ability to digest and have to live the rest of their lives on feeding tubes and IV nutrition. Right now I can eat just about anything, I just pay for it later. But even that is something that many other GP patients would kill for. In regards to this disease, I am currently one of the luckier ones. My fingers are crossed, but there are no guarantees for the future.

After a lot of thinking, I've decided that I need to give the recommended diet a try. It's not exactly healthy (I'll need vitamins), but it's healthier than what I'm currently eating (mostly sugar) and right now I'm desperate to feel better. To enjoy life again.

After my surgery I am going to go cold turkey onto this diet. N will have to take care of me for a week so I'm hoping that if I can come up with a mean plan, he can help me stick to it. If it makes me feel better I'm hoping that I can use it as an elimination diet, and then slowly add back in foods (like sweet, sweet gluten) to see if I can tolerate them or not after they've been out my system.

Do I want to do this? HELL NO. Thinking about giving up sugar makes me want to curl up in a ball, and thinking about giving up wheat and gluten makes me want to die. But I have to try something. Especially since the surgery I'm getting isn't going to help with my motility.
I'm still battling to come to grips with this condition and what it means for my life now, and my life in the future. It hasn't been easy, but it's something that I have no choice but to do. I guess we'll see where it goes from here.


S#!% My Daughter Says

I've seen a few other bloggers do this (Candra from Camo and Lipstick comes to mind recently) and with some of the things R's been coming up with lately I knew I had to do it too.

R has had a big personality since the day she was born. Even with the three months of screaming, I've always been able to tell from her facial expressions that she was going to be hilarious one day. Now that her language has really developed she has come out with some doozies.

WARNING: If you are offended by a sweet little toddler talking about butts (she is obsessed), you might not want to read this. ;)

Without further ado...

"Bubba I need to take a bath. I need to fart like a mermaid!"

"HOW YOU LIKE THAT" - After burping in my face.
(N and I have never said that around or to her!)

"Mama lemme poop in yard!"
"No Reagan, please just poop in the potty for right now."
"It's ok, Bubba will clean it up."
(She's pooped in the yard before. She pees out there regularly.)

"I love you big sister Mama! I love you big sister Bubba!"

(angrily) "NO MAMA. I DON'T HAVE A CUTIE MARK, I HAVE A BUTTHOLE!" - After asking her if she has a cutie mark like the ponies in My Little Pony.

"Lemme listen Rainbow Dash Died" - Talking about Love Don't Die by The Fray.

"I'm tired, I had a long day at work!" - What she says every time she's tired.

"Let's go get frappuccinos!" - Speaking as one of her monster trucks to the rest of her monster trucks.

"Bubba I have to poop, wanna come watch? Please?"
(She likes to make intense eye contact with you as she poops.)

"I have an egghead!" - After she fell and I told her she had a "goose egg" on her head. 
(Pretty sure she got "egghead" from My Little Pony.)

"Look at me! Look in my eyes!" - When you're not listening to her.

"What is this parking lot?!" - About the outside of our house.

"The butter is all gone."
 (skeptically) "Lemme see butter all gone!"

"Don't worry, Reagan doctor." - After poking me with a shoelace.
"Awww sweetie pants!" - After scratching me with said shoelace.

"You happy now. You calmed down." - After getting mad at her for not getting in her carseat.

"But it cracks me up!" - When I told her to stop running around in the Verizon store.

"He's a cutie!" - Talking about Paul Stastny during a TV interview.

"PUNCH UM IN HEAD! PUNCH UM IN HEAD! - Watching a hockey fight on TV.

"It's a hot rod mama! So fast vroom vroom!" - When I asked her what was on the shirt N got her from the drag track.

"NO MAMA! MINE MOOTACHE! - When she sneezed in the shower and I tried to wipe the boogers off her face.

"Readyyyyy... GO!" - Every time she watches a hockey faceoff on TV.

"Wash my butt!" - When we were in the shower and I asked her to stand up so I could wash her legs.

"DAMNNN" (as in "niceee") - Picking up a headband she found on the ground before putting it on.

"Mama is butt licker!" - After crawling up into my lap, brushing my hair out of my face, and smiling sweetly at me.

"GOOD GAME!" - After coming up behind someone and smacking their butt.

"Who do you love more; Mama or Bubba?"
"Who do you love more; Bubba or Gigi?"
"Who do you love more; Gigi or Skittles?"

"My legs broken. I need to go the hospital, get them cut off." - When N asked her why she wouldn't walk by herself.

This little girl isn't even three yet and she is already sassing with the best of them. I look forward to many more years of hilarious outbursts. I never know what she's going to come up with next!