4.5 Months

Wow it has been a long time since I last updated! I definitely owe you guys a health update and I'm pleased to say that I can finally give you a positive one (physically at least)!

It's been about 4.5 months since my surgery and I have finally healed to the point where I'm seeing improvement. I can now eat just about anything (including salad!) except for bread, and when I have been bad and tried to eat something bread-y I've only choked a little bit. I still miss bread (and regular crust pizza, doughnuts, hamburger buns, etc.) dearly but it's probably not a bad thing I've eliminated it from my diet. I'm getting plenty of carbs from other places.

My weight loss has officially stalled out at 25-30lbs even though I'm eating almost regularly now, but I have a lot of muscle mass to regain. I biked around my moms neighborhood last week and it was exhausting. It also made my stomach wrap feel funny which is a big indicator that I need to take things SLOW. Not that I'd have taken them any other way, haha. I still spend most of my time in bed, but these days I'm more exhausted from anxiety and depression than from not eating.

As I told you a few posts ago I was priced out from the anti-depressant I had been on for a year. I went to my psychiatrist and he had me try a relatively new drug, and the result has been... well, I'm undecided right now. I haven't noticed any negative side effects from it which is AWESOME, but I'm not sure how much it's helping me. I definitely feel less hopelessly depressed than I did before I got on it, but my anxiety has been out. of. control. I usually have a few panic attacks a day, but lately it's like I've been living in one giant panic attack.

I wish I could describe what this feels like, but it's really difficult to put into words. Basically, my heart feels like it's going to explode. Like there's a vice grip around it and it's trying to beat its way out of my chest. These palpitations get especially bad at night and I've been taking blood pressure medication to help calm my heart enough to let me fall asleep. It's actually been working pretty well, but during the day the lingering effect makes me incredibly dizzy. I have a pretty intense head rush almost every time I stand up, and I wouldn't be surprised if I end up fainting sooner or later. I'm pretty sure it's also contributing to my relentless exhaustion, but I'd rather take blood pressure medication than Xanax (and my doctor agrees!)

Doing normal, everyday things like taking R to preschool leaves me completely wiped out. This means I'm getting literally nothing else done, and my house has gone to hell in a handbasket. You can be that the guilt I talked about in my last post is going as strong as ever. It's a vicious cycle.

I also thought I'd mention that R has been struggling with anxiety lately as well. She's started to cry again when I drop her off at preschool (despite the fact that she absolutely loves it and doesn't even want to stay home when she's sick) and she's also had some public meltdowns in addition to screaming at pretty much everyone who acknowledges her- including her friends! The last straw for me was last weekend when we went to a friends birthday party (a girl she's known since birth and talks about all the time) and she had a massive meltdown. I ended up taking her home after 10 minutes and I felt awful. We both felt awful.

I decided that since R's anxiety is interfering with things she'd otherwise enjoy it's time to seek help outside the house. I'm not looking for a diagnosis, nor do I think she struggles with the same things that I do, but we both need to learn some coping mechanisms from a professional. Our first appointment is in the beginning of May and I'm honestly looking forward to it. I often think of what my life had been like if I'd had help with my issues as a child, and I think this will only be beneficial for both R and me.

Otherwise she's been doing wonderfully and her incredibly vibrant personality just lights up my life. She's been really into fishing with N lately and I just love her enthusiasm- even if I want nothing to do with fish myself. She's also been more into cars than ever and is looking forward to car show season. She asks us almost every day to take her to a car show, it's so funny! She's my greatest challenge but I'm so happy to be her mom.