It's after midnight and I'm laying in bed wide awake, despite being exhausted. N is sound asleep. He's one of those people who fall asleep mere minutes after their heads hit the pillow. I kind of hate him.
Tonight, like every other night for as long as I can remember, I am too nauseous to fall asleep. I am also so full that my abdomen is more distended than it was at six months pregnant. I feel like I'm going to explode, and the last time I ate was more than six hours ago. I had a small cup of soup. I can still taste every ingredient of it. (I've even taken one of the stomach emptying pills that I shouldn't take anymore.)
Sometimes I wonder if going through with this surgery is going to be worth it. If it's going to be worth it to spend so much money. If it's going to be worth it to cut into my abdominal wall and install a foreign device. To electively face the risks of surgery, and the risks of having a pacemaker. I will not die without this surgery, but I can't keep living the way I'm living. It's not much of a life at all.
Having this surgery does not mean having one surgery. It means having one more if the device needs to be removed, or countless more to refresh the batteries (or deal with defective units.) I will have to be monitored closely for as long as I have the device in me- though my health would likely warrant that anyway.
My life is going to change. I will have the physical scars from this surgery for the rest of my life. There will be a foreign device inside me that may be visible through my skin. And there will be more subtle changes as well. I won't be allowed to run, or bounce, or do any activity that repeatedly jostles my stomach. I won't be allowed on roller coasters, or in MRI machines, and hopefully nobody tries to use a defibrillator machine on me. I'll need to steer clear of theft detection devices, metal detectors, and pretty much everything at the airport. I'll even have to wear a fashionable medical alert bracelet everywhere I go. I also should NOT get pregnant, but thankfully I don't plan on getting pregnant ever again.
But all of this will be worth it, it will be worth it a thousand times over, if the device helps. If I can live without the debilitating feeling of chronic nausea. The surgery will not cure my GP, but any symptom reduction is priceless. And I'd rather not think about what the monetary price is going to be.
By the time you read this I'll (hopefully) be in surgery. No, I'm not psychic, but I am scheduling this post for 10am mountain time, and my surgery is scheduled for 9:30. If all goes well I will try and write a quick update tomorrow night. You can also look for me on Facebook and (my new) Instagram.
I guess I'll see you on the other side!
P.S. GO AVS! (And god help this hospital if they don't carry the Av's channel!)