When I started writing in this blog regularly I never thought it'd become a chronicle of one of the toughest and most unexpected health issues I've ever dealt with. I had hoped it'd be a way for me to actually do something with my free time, to share our renovations, to help keep myself accountable for progress. I thought it'd help me grow in a more functional person. I never thought it'd see me through this.
Every since I left my doctor's office on Monday I have been having constant panic attacks. The more I read about the surgeries the more afraid I become. Last night was bad. I had started out the day feeling at peace with my decision to have surgery, and then at night I started doing a little more research into personal stories. So much of what I found was horrifying. I had just settled myself down to sleep when I got a phone notification and this popped up on a Facebook thread I had started:
Lauren tread very carefully and make sure it's [definitely] what you want to do. I had my [Nissen Fundoplication] last year. I didn't know at that point I had [Gastroparesis] but I became very ill in hospital and the surgery cause me lots off problems and now I am at end options for GP. I am now on iv nutrition and also have a feeding tube. I have found out my small bowel and colon are now involved as well as my esophagus is abnormal. Please please make sure it's the right thing to do.
After that I had one of the most severe panic attacks I've ever had. It rivaled the one I had right before going into labor with R, which is REALLY saying something. Is this the right thing to do?
Last night I calmed myself down by saying that I wasn't going to go through with the surgeries. I would ask the doctor again about the pacemaker because if nothing else it's reversible. Today I'm on the fence again. I feel completely and utterly lost.
Gastroparesis is a very variable disease. There are people who have very low motility and have no symptoms. There are people like me who have constant nausea and pain, but are still able to eat (certain things) and do not lose weight/ become malnourished. There are also people who can do nothing but vomit up everything they try and eat and lose a great deal of weight/ become malnourished. I'm not at that point and sure as hell never want to be at that point- especially if it happens after a surgery that was intended to help me in the first place!
I don't want my doctor to feel like I'm second guessing his medical opinion. But I'm very scared right now. I left a message to make another appointment to hopefully discuss my concerns with him. I guess we'll see where this goes.