3.15.2014

Doubts and Questions

When I started writing in this blog regularly I never thought it'd become a chronicle of one of the toughest and most unexpected health issues I've ever dealt with. I had hoped it'd be a way for me to actually do something with my free time, to share our renovations, to help keep myself accountable for progress. I thought it'd help me grow in a more functional person. I never thought it'd see me through this.

Every since I left my doctor's office on Monday I have been having constant panic attacks. The more I read about the surgeries the more afraid I become. Last night was bad. I had started out the day feeling at peace with my decision to have surgery, and then at night I started doing a little more research into personal stories. So much of what I found was horrifying. I had just settled myself down to sleep when I got a phone notification and this popped up on a Facebook thread I had started:

Lauren tread very carefully and make sure it's [definitely] what you want to do. I had my [Nissen Fundoplication] last year. I didn't know at that point I had [Gastroparesis] but I became very ill in hospital and the surgery cause me lots off problems and now I am at end options for GP. I am now on iv nutrition and also have a feeding tube. I have found out my small bowel and colon are now involved as well as my esophagus is abnormal. Please please make sure it's the right thing to do.

After that I had one of the most severe panic attacks I've ever had. It rivaled the one I had right before going into labor with R, which is REALLY saying something. Is this the right thing to do?

Last night I calmed myself down by saying that I wasn't going to go through with the surgeries. I would ask the doctor again about the pacemaker because if nothing else it's reversible. Today I'm on the fence again. I feel completely and utterly lost.

Gastroparesis is a very variable disease. There are people who have very low motility and have no symptoms. There are people like me who have constant nausea and pain, but are still able to eat (certain things) and do not lose weight/ become malnourished. There are also people who can do nothing but vomit up everything they try and eat and lose a great deal of weight/ become malnourished. I'm not at that point and sure as hell never want to be at that point- especially if it happens after a surgery that was intended to help me in the first place!

I don't want my doctor to feel like I'm second guessing his medical opinion. But I'm very scared right now. I left a message to make another appointment to hopefully discuss my concerns with him. I guess we'll see where this goes.

6 comments:

  1. I have nothing to add but I just wanted to say that I am so sorry you're going through this. I'm going through some health issues myself that have me panic stricken so I have a very small understanding of what you're dealing with although nothing comparable. I hope you're able to come to the right decision and everything turns out all right for you!

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    1. I'm so sorry you have to go through stupid health stuff too! It is the pits! I think I've come to a decision that I'll post about later- I hope it turns out alright too! And I hope things go well for you as well!

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  2. I'm so sorry that you have to go through all this crap :( panic attacks are the worst and make everything seem a million times worse :( Talking to your doctors/asking questions seems like the best thing you can do.. I wish I could help you some how. I'm an email away if ya ever need anyone to listen though.

    Jen
    Jen.amileamemory@gmail.com

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    1. Thank you so much girl! You're always there for me on my whiny blog posts! I have an appointment with my doctor next Wednesday so I'll be a mess until then but hopefully (knock on all the wood in the world!!!) will feel better after that.

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    2. Nooo don't think that you're whiny! I love that you're real and everything isn't rainbows and glitter and blah blah.. that isn't life! Or my life at least, HA! I will be knocking on all the wood possible for you :-):-) Good vibes for the doctors appointment!

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  3. This is such a hard situation! I'm so sorry you have to go through all this. Definitely just trust what feels right. I feel like in situations like this, I find I know what's right by how I feel. I will pray for you!

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